Happy times
by FlorGon
Summary: *Complete* Japril story after 14x24. April and Jackson are together again as a family. What had happened in all the time that passed since April married Matthew? What is going on with their lives now?
1. Ch 1 Preparation for better things

**Ch. 1 Preparation for better things**

" _Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place."_

― _Rumi_

I woke up thinking it was Sunday, I put my dressing gown, and after going to the bathroom, I went down the stairs. When I entered the kitchen, Jackson was there making breakfast. I hugged him from behind and stole one of the avocado toast.

"Yummy!" I said. He kissed me. "Yummy, indeed. I was going to bring you breakfast to bed," he answered me.

"You're perfect, you know?" I said

"Of course."

"Are we the only ones up?" I asked. He didn't get to answer. We heard steps going down the stairs. It was Ruby. She gave us the sweetest good morning kisses.

"Can we go visit daddy today?" Ruby asked. "Of course, I'll take you after work." Jackson answered.

Jackson was the best with the kids. Harriet walked with Eli down the stairs and the five of us had breakfast while we discussed what had we dreamed last night. I was so grateful for my family.

I stood up and told everyone to come. "The baby is kicking. Touch!" I said. And everyone touched my belly. It wasn't the first time that the baby kicked but it was always a moment of joy. It was Saturday after all. Jackson had a surgery scheduled, so he left after breakfast. I was already in my maternity leave so I wasn't working. I was on my 37 week.

…

So much had passed since I left GSM. I had no idea what I was doing when I married Matthew. It's kinda embarassing for me, thinking about that time of my life where I made so many mistakes, and somehow it turned out better than great.

I was obsessed with the fact that Jackson was the love of my life and that I had lost him. It was like having a huge hole in my heart. You know that he is happy and you are happy that he's happy but you are so attached to the past that you can't just let go of that love. You wanna move on like he did, but you don't know how. In my case I was so focused on our love story that I did believe there was nothing more for me. That was it, I was lucky enough to get to love someone who loved me back. That was my great love story and it seemed impossible for me to believe something as wonderful could be there for me again. It was like he was the sun and I was the Earth just going around it. I tried dating and everything but it didn't work for me. It was easier for me not to believe that there was a second chance at love for me, because I had no control over it. You have control over your actions, but the heart has a mind of its own, you can fight it or get along with it, but you don't go saying I want to love this person and just like that it happens. At least not with romantic love. Either you feel attracted or you don't.

So when Ruby was born I get to met Matthew again and he told me that he found with Karin what I had with Jackson and I was happy for him and when Karin died I thought we could understand each other's pain. Of course he never caused me pain, while I was just painful memories for him. So I didn't even tried to approach him. At that time I went into a crisis of faith because life seemed so unfair and meaningless. Karin should have lived. She wasn't the only death that day that seemed so unfair. And I was also on an unhappy place so everything that happened to me and that seemed unfair to me, hit me harder. Eli, my patient, took pain so differently than me. He wanted to help me and he did. Even in his last moments he found ways to give meaning to his life. Having faith is not only a thing you do when everything is all right. It doesn't mean your prayers will be fulfilled. His example took me out of my crisis. God was not angry with me and I didn't get to be angry at him.

Around that time Ruby was sick, I had the chance to help her. And that's how we reconnected with Matthew. It was nothing romantic at all. We just understood each other and were there for each other.

We talked about our faith, I told him about Eli and we pretty much talked about everything. We worked together doing charity. We visited each other and shared a lot and after sometime, it felt like family. It was like the time I was living with Jackson but there was nothing between us. You get used to the people that surround you, the people that you see mostly every day. I loved Ruby and she and Harriet were getting along so well. I loved him and he loved me too. But it wasn't romantic at all.

We were later on a car accident and it was like a wakeup call to me. Maggie saved my life. I never could have hated her and even less after that. Jackson prayed for me. When I was dating Matthew, the first time, before I left him at the altar, I thought Jackson had died in front of my eyes, in an explosion, and it was the most unbearable feeling I ever had. That leaded me to tell him that I wanted him, that if he gave me a reason I wouldn't marry Matthew. So that time when I almost died and Jackson didn't want me back, I knew for sure that that was it, he would never love me again like he used to. It was over for him and he had moved on. I was the only one who hadn't moved on. I felt pity for myself. I could had died and I was wasting my present time living in the past.

I couldn't go on like that. We talked with Matthew about the accident and about what it meant to us. His only concern was that he would have left Ruby alone. We talked about our dreams and fears. He had so many plans but being a single parent made it difficult for him, and I wanted to help the two of them who I already loved, I wanted to move on and I still dreamed about having a big family. And it wasn't how I thought it would be, but we already kind of were. At one point I said it, we should marry. Matthew was frozen and I didn't blame him. We had already tried that. He kindly told me that the accident was too recent and that if I still thought that way in a while, we would get married. He was the kindest soul.

I decided that the best thing I could do to move on, was leaving the hospital that would always remind me of the past. Matthew supported me in every decision I took. I was going to help those in need and take some time to think what was next for me. At Alex's wedding, Matthew asked me to marry him and I was the happiest person in the world. I had my best friends there. It was nice and I really was happy. Being married to Matthew meant to me that I was moving on, that I was helping him, that I was having my big family. It was a dream come true. I honestly hadn't thought at what was I missing. After the wedding, Matthew made a foolish joke about how he thought Jackson was gonna stand up again this time. He didn't mean any harm, but it broke me. It took me back to my other wedding to Matthew and to the reason I chose Jackson, because of love. And I told him, and I knew I hurt him again. Certainly, I was an awful person, how could I got involved with the person I left at the altar just to marry him and tell him I didn't love him.

In that moment, Matthew tried to calm me down saying we could divorce, that it wasn't a problem. But it was a problem, I was a problem. I had no idea what I have been doing or what to do next. I was really upset at myself and at Matthew who instead of blaming me for being such an awful person was trying to help me and comfort me. I was losing it. He was telling me how I shouldn't be married with someone I didn't love, that I deserved better than to settle. He told me I should think in Harriet. If she was in my situation, what would I like her to do. He made it so easy. Just like that I knew it. You are the sun. That's what I would like anyone I love to know. Jackson wasn't the one. Matthew wasn't the one. I was the one. I was the sun.

I understood in my own way why it didn't work with Jackson. We were great. We were perfect. Until I left him twice. What I thought had happened was this. Jackson made me felt so good, I felt I was the sun with him. Then he almost died and it changed me. It made me lose it. I was no longer the sun, he was, and I was going to do everything in my power to get him back. When he didn't chose me, it hit me harder, I was no sun, no worthy of him. Then when he stood up at the wedding and I run away with him, I became the sun again. And we were both the sun, we were both happy, until Samuel's illness. When I left Jackson for a second time, I believed I hurt him and made him believe he wasn't the sun and that I was. When I came back, he tried to be his sun again, so he tried not to think of me as the sun. That's what happens in my opinion when you stop being your own sun, your reationships fail. And when he suggested we divorce, he became the sun to me, and I stopped being my own sun. And he kept being the sun until this theory came to my mind with Matthew's words. My marriage with Matthew wasn't going to work even if I loved him, because I wasn't my own sun. You need to be your own sun, to love someone else in a healthy way. That's what I would had wanted Harriet to know, that she was going to be fine if she is conscious all the time, that she is her own sun.

I thought that losing Jackson was the worst, but the worst was that I had lost myself and didn't even notice it. And even though I realized what my mistake was, I try not to lose me again cause the thing is, it happened to me more than once. Once was when Jackson almost died. Then when we lost Samuel, I lost myself but I was conscious of it so I tried to find myself again and by doing so, I lost Jackson. When I came back the second time, I was full of confidence but being left by him, hurt me badly. He became the sun again, so I needed him back. Until I found I was pregnant. I was too broken by then and I knew it, so I tried to protect myself every way I could, not to be hurt again. There was a time, after Montana, that I thought we could be back again, but I just got hurt again. I didn't let go of the pain but I did my best to pretend it wasn't there.

Matthew helped realized that the pain was there and that I was the one that should do something about it. You can only be on a happy, healthy relationship with someone else, if you have that with yourself. That's what I had with Matthew. That's what I have now with Jackson.


	2. Ch 2 Fire

**Ch. 2 Fire**

" _Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames"_

― _Rumi_

Matthew kept telling me not to worry, that we were going to divorce, but after my moment of realization I didn't see anything the way I did before. The first thing that was different after I left all that sorrow behind, was him. I looked at him with other eyes. I told him that I didn't want to divorce him, that we should try it and we could talk about divorce later. It was the best decision ever. He had helped me heal. He was kind, supportive and everything anyone could ever dream. I was the luckiest. It didn't took me long to realize it was the easiest thing in the world to love him in every possible way.

A month passed and another and we didn't talk about divorce again. But then I was afraid he was gonna mention it when I told him I wanted to go to train some surgeons in the warzone for a month. He supported me. It was tough for me to leave them. Jackson took care of Harriet while I was gone. When I returned Matthew was waiting for me. Then it was my time to support him when he told me he wanted to be a firefighter. It was one of his dreams that he was afraid of doing while he was a single parent. Knowing I was there for Ruby made it easier for him to chase his dreams.

He was so happy when he got the job. He worked in the same station than Ben. I was happy he was with a friendly face. It turned out great; the station welcomed him and me as their family. It was so different than the Hospital workplace. We were there for everyone and everyone was there for us. It's so strong what happens between coworkers when their lives depends on everyone's job. It reminded me of my time at the army; friendship seems stronger in such situations. Miranda and I became more connected. We still are.

With Jackson everything was better for me. I felt more genuine around him, like I used to when we were just friends. We talked about everything, not just Harriet. We regained what we used to have.

At GSM things became complicated when Jackson took Teddy's side in a fight she was having with Maggie. It became like a civil war and that's not how anyone's work environment should be like. Catherine sided with Maggie, so did Meredith. Miranda sided with Jackson and Teddy. Richard didn't take any side, he tried to be Switzerland. It was worse than what happened because of the custody fight for Sofia. Jo took the minimally-invasive surgery fellowship that MassGen offered her. She and Alex were living in Boston. I was so glad I wasn't there anymore to see them fight each other, I couldn't even imagine what the place was like anymore.

Finally, Miranda, Jackson and Teddy left GSM. Catherine took Jackson's place at the board and Meredith was the new Chief of Surgery. Bailey had so much money and as she wasn't doing anything with it, she used it to buy Seattle Presbyterian Hospital. She took it as a project to rise it to be one of the best Hospitals in the country, so that no one had to be treated the way she had been treated there. She took Teddy and Jackson with her, Teddy as her Head of Cardiothoracic Surgery and Jackson as the Chief of Surgery. She also offered me to be Head of Trauma Surgery. I couldn't say no to her. I missed my job so badly.

Arizona and Callie got back together in New York, but they decided to move back to Seattle where all their friends were. They finally moved when the Robbins Herman Center for Women's Health was finished. I got my friends back and Miranda did everything in her power to have the Ortho Goddess in her team as Head of Orthopedic Surgery. The name of the hospital was changed too. It reminded me a lot of the time Mercy West merged with Seattle Grace. We were the new ones again, but we had each other. It felt like everything was falling into the right place. Miranda got her dream team and she really changed the Hospital.

I got to work with the best team and my best friends. Jackson and Maggie weren't a thing anymore but he was in a great place. Growing professionally away from the protection of Catherine was something he really needed. He started to pass more time at home. Eventually, he and Matthew became close friends, which made it easier for everyone as a family.

Matthew was also in a happy place with his new job as a firefighter. His best friend at the station was Ben, who was no longer the rocky when Matthew joined them. Knowing Ben was working with Matthew eased my concerns. Every night we prayed for the firehouse family that we were now part of.

Miranda had more experience at being married with a firefighter. She was always there for me, sharing her experiences, reassuring me. With time I got used to it. I always hoped for the best.

For our first anniversary I found out I was pregnant. I got to deliver a healthy boy with Arizona as my doctor. I thought that was it for me, but here I'm, expecting another baby. I would never forget the moment Harriet and Ruby met Eli. I loved my family so much.

Our marriage was short but I had the happiest memories.

Being a trauma surgeon, I got to work with many of the people they rescued. And Jackson worked with me in a lot of those cases.

The hardest case for me, was Andy. It shocked me at first when I saw it was her. She was hurt at a warehouse fire. Luckily, we saved her.

After the surgery was done, I went to the waiting room, expecting to find Ben and Matthew, but they weren't there. That was the moment when everything changed.


	3. Ch 3 Vulnerable

**Ch. 3 Vulnerable**

 _This is your life; this is your day. And you cannot judge your life by the things that happen in it—because good things will happen and bad things will happen. And this is what's going to make you incredibly vulnerable._

― _Prem Rawat_

As Prem Rawat reminds us, an average lifespan lasts seventy years, a measly 25,550 days. The thing is you don't know which day will change your life forever. Do you wake up and thank for this day you have ahead? Do you live your life your fullest considering it could be your last day? Do you let everyone know that you love them every chance you have? Do you seize the day?

That day started as any given day could. I woke up early and had breakfast with Matthew. The day before was the nanny's birthday and she had asked for a day off, so Matthew took a day off to be with the kids while I was at work.

Eli was crying because he wanted something owned by Harriet and the girls were shouting at each other.

I kissed the kids goodbye. We had one of those stupid little arguments with Matthew about whose turn was to do the laundry. I believed it was mine. I was just used to wear anything.

"I'm sorry. I will do it after work. Love you!" I told him.

"Don't worry. Be safe!" he said and I kissed him and went to work.

It looked like a normal day in the ER. I had the best resident by my side. Miranda would always say that I stole him from her. Callie would tell me laughing that Miranda was mad about it because Dr. Reilly looked like a young Idris Elba. I knew he was going to pick trauma, I saw it in him when he started working in the hospital after coming back from warzone. Miranda had taken under her wing Dr. Gregory Williams, who was no longer called Baby O'Malley. Dr. Cleo Kim got to work with the surgical royalty by being the other half of The Plastics Posse. Dr. Liza Simmons chose Ortho as her specialty and she was working with Callie.

I don't know if it was casual or not, but now that Alex was living happily in Boston, Dr. Izzie Stevens who was working abroad came back to Seattle as our Head of Neurosurgery. She wasn't the only one working in that department who used to live abroad. After traveling around the world Stephanie came back to continue her training. She was Chief Resident during her fifth year. And even though at first she chose GSM because of Maggie, Dr. Leah Murphy was working with Teddy now.

They were my new work family. Dr. Keith Reilly and I didn't start with the right foot. He was a cocky bastard who thought he was better than me. He was always testing me and checking on my work, like he wouldn't trust my abilities. After I probed him wrong, he finally started to get the most out of this learning experience. It took me a while to win his trust and I didn't even understand why he was like that. He was good but it was tiresome at first. It took me a while to understand the reason behind his actions but we are on the best of terms right now.

We had two major surgeries that day. One was from a car accident. So much damage. We could save him though. It felt great. It was always great to save a life, but we did amazing in the OR. I wanted to talk about the surgery with Jackson, but he was on his day off and I had forgotten my cell phone back at home. I was feeling on the top of the day, when I was paged. It was Andy. The second life we saved that day. I know it would have been better if Andy didn't need any surgery. But we got to save her. It was a good day.

Ironically, I was in the waiting room expecting to give Matthew and Ben the good news and maybe to find the kids there, with him, when Teddy and Miranda came to give me the bad news.

I would like to say that after everything I went through, nothing could have hurt me. But the true was, it broke me. Even though I was feeling an unbearable pain, I couln't believe it was true.

"It can't be him. I'm sure he's home. He must be home," I said with a broken voice and tears in the eyes.

Miranda hugged me and pulled all my pieces together.

"You need to go," she told me.

I cleaned my tears.

"Dr. Reilley, are you coming?" I asked. His face was like a stone.

"It's a family matter," I said.

We went together to GSM. I was running but everything seemed to move so slowly. I saw a lot of known faces, like Ben's, but everything felt so unreal. The only thing I knew was that I needed to find him. Meredith came to me and as she was leading me somewhere, she told me all about his condition. I don't remember one word, but that must be what she was telling me. I believe I was repeating to myself: Please, don't let it be him.

But it was him.


	4. Ch 4 The wound

**Ch.** **4 – The wound**

" _The wound is the place where the Light enters you."_

― _Rumi_

The next day, when I woke up, for a moment I thought it was just another day, but Matthew wasn't there. It wasn't a nightmare. I started putting together the pieces of what I remembered.

When I entered the hospital's room, Meredith left me alone with him. I laid down on the bed, took his hand between my hands. "I love you," I whispered to his ear.

He squeezed my hand and let go. Why this happened again? Just like that, one second he was here and the next, he was not.

After I didn't know how much time had passed but when I left the room, Keith was there. I hugged him.

"What now?" I asked. "Go home. I'll take care of everything," he said.

I was broken and so tired. I left the building ignoring everyone in my way. I took a cab outside and went home. I don't know what hour it was, the kids were sleeping in the living room with Jackson. I was glad I didn't have to talk to them. I went to our room and as soon as I laid in bed, I fell asleep. I really needed to turn off my mind. And sleeping was one way to do it.

But now I was awake and my mind was fully working. I needed to face reality and go talk with my little nuggets. I stayed in the room staring and every corner, at everything and everything reminded me of him. His clothes still smelled of him. I stared at the mirror, my face was a mess and my eyes were so swollen. I didn't even remember crying.

It was like in our room, time had stopped and at any moment he would just enter the room. I heard a knock at the door, but he wouldn't knock. The door moved, but behind it, it was Jackson, not Matthew, who was looking for me.

His face. He already knew. He was broken too. We were so bad at this, not knowing what to do when the other was in pain. I lost my husband, the father of my kids but he also lost one of his closest friends, the father of her daughter's siblings, the husband of his best friend.

We stared at each other's eyes, facing each other's pain.

"I'm sorry," he said and we hugged each other. And yes, when we did I started crying thinking in the hugs that I was going to miss.

"The kids are awake, having breakfast. I've just read the messages on my phone and came here to find you. I can't believe I'm not seeing Matthew again. I can't even begin to understand how are you feeling. How are you? What do you need me to do?" he asked.

"I'm still figuring it out. Thank you for being here. Give me two minutes, I'll have a shower and go talk to them."

He told me about yesterday, about the last time he saw him. He had come to visit and Matthew asked him to stay with the kids, so that he could go to a warehouse fire with the rest of his crew. It wasn't the first time he had done that. He really was passionate about his job. I could really relate with that.

I wanted to call Keith to ask him how everything was going and to call Ben and ask him more about Matthew's last moments, but I couldn't find my phone. Yesterday I didn't have it with me because I forgot it but it wasn't in the bedroom where I thought I left it.

I was facing one of the hardest moments of my life. I had to break my little nuggets hearts. When I lost Samuel, I tried to bury all my pain inside of me, and I didn't want to talk about it. It was only after my crisis of faith that I really talked about my feelings, and it was with Matthew.

And when I lost Samuel, I did my best but I lost Jackson in the way. This time, it should be different, our kids depended on that.

So we sat on the floor on, I had Eli on my lap, Ruby and Harriet on my sides and Jackson was there in front of me. And I told them what I knew. I told them he was in Heaven, with Samuel and Karin, looking after us.

"Mom, where is dad? I want to see him" Ruby said. I was really holding up until then, but I started crying.

"He's in Heaven, we can't see him, but he's here with us. He'll always be here," I told Ruby while pointing at her heart.

Eli was hugging me while removing my tears and giving me the sweetest kisses.

"But I want to see him. I want to hug him," Ruby said. Harriet stood up and went to her.

"You can hug me," Harriet told Ruby.

"I want to hug him too," I said and then we were all hugging. We kept talking until everything was as clear as it could to them. We talked about what we would miss about him, the things we wanted him to know, the things we thought he would want for us and the things that made us feel thankful. We talked about what we were feeling until we were peaceful about it. I needed them to know that they weren't alone, that we were feeling the same. There were no more tears, at least for a while.

Later, Keith came to visit. He had a box in his hands. I don't know what was I thinking when I left him to handle everything.

"Oh! You didn't!" I said. "I didn't what?" Keith asked. He had literally turned Matthew to ashes. He handed me the box and my phone that was on his pocket. The battery was discharged.

"Kids! We had a visit. Say hi to Keith, your uncle. He was Karin's adoptive brother and now he works with Jackson and me in the hospital," I told them.

Jackson didn't know this, only Matthew did. The kids were all over Keith, inviting him to play with them. He made a face like asking for help, but he should get used to it.

"Is that why he was such an asshole with you? Because of Karin?" Jackson asked me.

"We had never talked about it, but I believe that's why. I believed that because of what happened with her, he distrusted my abilities. We were waiting for him to be ready to connect with us, as a family, but I pressed him last night to join us. It's a petty it took us that long," I answered him.

"And you trust him?"

"Of course. I know him, you know him too. We all have things we don't talk about and maybe we know a little too much about dysfunctional families. We shouldn't judge. I need you two to look after the kids for a while. I need to check on some things on the hospital," I said.

I saw it in Ruby's face when I was leaving, she was scared.

"What's it? You can tell me, honey," I said.

"Are you coming back?" she asked.

It wasn't going to be easy. How do you explain to a four years old girl that everything isn't going to be fine but that's fine too.

"I'm planning on that, honey. But plans don't always go as planned. Your father didn't want to leave you, you know that, right?" I said.

"I know. He loved me to the moon and back."

"And I love you too." I said. "I'm going now. Would you be ok with Keith and Jackson?" I asked and she nodded with her head.

I left the house and went to Ben's. He was home. We hugged. I was going to see Andy and I asked him to go with me.

Everyone at the hospital looked at me differently. I thought it was because of Matthew's death, but little did I know.


	5. Ch 5 The support system

**Ch. 5 – The support system**

" _I'm not okay, you're not okay, and that's okay."_

― _Elisabeth Kübler-Ross_

As I was looking for Andy's room, I saw my other patient from the day before, the miraculous case. He was being escorted by police officers and Teddy was going with them.

"Where are you taking him? He's my patient," I said.

"You are my surgeon, right? Thank you for saving my life."

Teddy put herself between him and me.

"Don't you dare talk to her. Take him out of here," she said. I didn't understand what was going on. Teddy hugged me.

"Remember you're going to survive this. I did it and you're stronger than me," she told me with tears in her eyes. I couldn't help but remember Henry. I hugged her back with all the love I could. She deserved the world.

She walked Ben and me to Andy's room but before I went to palliative care department. It was run by psychologists and among other things they offered group therapy for the families and alternative therapies. I wanted to do it right this time. If I get to advice my patients and their families to use our service, I should also take care of my grieving.

Miranda and Ryan where in Andy's room. When we entered, the room was silent. Andy asked everyone to leave us alone. She wanted to talk to me.

She was feeling guilty for Matthew's death. I believed there was a chance she and the others from his station could feel that way and that's why I wanted to visit them as soon as possible, because I didn't want them to do so. I knew Matthew wouldn't want that either. But I had got everything wrong.

She told me how Matthew died. It wasn't in the warehouse. When she was in the warehouse doing her job, she recognized this was the job of the traitor, as they called him. The firehouse had been working along the years in a lot of cases of a pyromaniac. The only thing as Matthew had told me, that they knew about him was that he was an ex-firefighter. That's why they called him the traitor and why all his cases were personal to them and also because Jack, their coworker, died in a fire caused by him.

She also found something there that made her realize who was behind all this cases, so she made sure Ryan knew this so that he could catch him. Thanks to Andy's information, Ryan saw the suspect outside the warehouse and started chasing him. He was running away in a car and he got in a car accident. That was how Matthew was hurt. He was going to the warehouse when he crashed with the traitor.

It was really too much, I was so out of my senses the day before that I didn't ask or hear a thing they told me. He was in a car accident, with Andy's godfather and ex coworker of her father, the person who was leaving the hospital earlier, my patient.

Andy was telling me how she should had known before that it was him, that she should had caught him with her own hands, and she went on talking while the only thing I could think of was that I saved the murderer that was responsible of my husband's death.

"It's ok. Just breath," I said and I didn't know if I was talking to her or to myself.

"He really believed in you, you know? He once told me that if someone could catch this guy, it was you. And you did so. You are amazing. Please, the last thing in the world he would had wanted was any of us feeling guilty about his death. Let's not do that, not to us and neither to him. I know there's a lot of things that we could have done differently, but that's in the past and it should stay there. If we really appreciate him, if we are really sorry for his death, then we should take the chance that we have because we're alive and live our lives to their fullest. That's the only thing left for us to do. That's what would make him proud of us. So be sure to make something good out of this sadness. If I can do it, you can also do it. You're stronger than me," I told Andy.

We hugged each other. She made sure I knew she was going to be fine. I left her with Ben and Ryan. Ryan told me he was the first one to find Matthew and called the ambulance. He apologized for not catching him before and Ben apologized for being the one that told Matthew about the fire in the first place. I couldn't hear anyone else feeling guilty over Matthew's death. The truth was everyone loved him and no one wanted this to happen.

Then Miranda came to talk to me, we cried some more. I made sure she knew that I was determined to work on my grieving, to be better for the kids especially but also because I wanted to return to my normal life as soon as I could. I wanted to come back to work. It surprised her that I was doing everything I could and using every tool I had to be better in no time. And of course she told me they would wait for me all the time I needed.

When I came home, Arizona was there playing with the kids and waiting for me. We just sat for a long time together and talked a little. It always feels nice to know that there are people there for you, people that love you as much as you do love them, the ones that will always be there, the ones that matter.


	6. Ch 6 Light

**Ch. 6 – Light**

" _People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."_

― _Elisabeth Kübler-Ross._

The next morning I checked on my phone, it was full of messages. I couldn't help but check my chat with Matthew, as if I could go back on time to talk to him. The thing was that there was an audio sent by me on the day of the accident, when I was working and I didn't have my phone with me.

I wasn't sure if I really wanted to listen to it, but I had to cause I couldn't live with the what if.

"Hi honey! I was about to call you when I realized I forgot my phone but I found yours instead. I know it's pretty much useless because you won't hear me until I give it back to you. I'm going to a warehouse fire. The kids are with Jackson. I just wanted you to know that I love you. No matter how many times I tell you, it doesn't feel enough. I love you. See you back home."

Of course, I cried a river after hearing him. It felt so surreal. Why did he have to die? I felt the need to tell everyone I loved that I loved them. Just because I was alive and it meant I had the chance to do so.

I called home and told them the news. Mom bought a ticket immediately. The kids were my strength. We continue talking about how we were feeling, about what made us feel angry, sad, and grateful. I told them how much I loved them at least ten times a day.

When I told Jackson about how I saved the person responsible from Matthew's death, he almost lost it. I could see he was really mad about it, but he was trying to conceal it, I just knew him better.

"How are you?" he asked.

"I'm ok. It wasn't at all what I expected and it kind of shocked me at first. But I'm glad he's alive. Matthew would be glad. I'm sure he would hate to have anything to do with the death of anyone, no matter whose fault was it," I said.

"You didn't deserve any of this. Matthew didn't deserve this. You had gone through enough. I don't get it. How can you not be angry?"

"Wow. You know I was angry from the start. We talked about our feelings with the kids. I'm pretty sure I said I was angry I lost someone yet again, I was angry I didn't get to have a proper goodbye. If someone didn't say anything about being angry that's you."

"That's not fair. I know that I have no right to be upset when you clearly aren't."

"What? I've cried in your arms, but you can't show any feeling in front of me?" I asked him.

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

"I don't know how to help you. I want you to be ok and you seem to be ok but it scares the hell out of me that you're gonna go to a place where I can't reach you, where I can't help you."

"You're saying that you're afraid I'm gonna lose it like I did when Samuel died and when I had my crisis, right? I'm not. I've learnt my lessons and I'm not saying that I'm not gonna trip again but I'm definitely on a better place. Also you know I'm really trying my best, I'm going to therapy and all."

"It's just that I don't get it, you're the best person I know, when will it be enough?" he asked.

"As long as any of us is alive, then there is going to be pain, sorrow, injustice but also love and light. Not everything is bad, take this moment for example. You know it seems like He had taken a lot from me, but every time something like this hits me, I have more and more things to lose. I don't know if I'm making any sense. When we lost Samuel, you were everything I had. When I had my crisis of faith I had you and Harriet. Now my family is even bigger. I know I have lost people in my life but I still have so much to be thankful for. Not everything is pain, not everything is lost."

"How can you do it? I'm so angry at Him. Maybe I hate Him. He should stop messing with you. Taking Matthew away after all you have been trough and saving the asshole who did it. What's wrong with him? I could yell at Him all day."

"Bravo! That's great Jackson. It's actually good that you are having a personal relationship with God. That's what religion and faith is all about, the relationship between you and God. It's personal and you're making it personal. It's actually better than just being a blind believer, you're angry at Him, because you want to love Him, you want Him to love you. The thing is He's love, he already loves you and all of humanity. Even the asshole I saved. I'm not better, I had a crisis of anger in the chapel after I knew what happen. I was infuriated. It was a moment. But then love was stronger."

And the thing is when you give love, you receive so much more. So I spent a week being love-bombed by all the people that loved me, my kids, my mom, my dad, my sisters, my friends. Cristina called me, Arizona came with Callie and Sofia. Owen called from overseas, he had returned to the army. Amelia came from Santa Monica with James, who was once again her fiancé. She was full of light, being pregnant suited her really well. She stayed a few days to be with her nephews. Keith was fully integrated into our family.

The funeral was really emotional, all the people that loved Matthew, all the firefighters, his ex-co-workers, all his friends and family were there. It was comforting having them there, knowing that he meant so much for all of them. His life touched so many others. His life was meaningful to all of us.

Jackson was there for us all the way. Whether it was a hug, or helping with the kids or the chores at home, I could always count on him. That had never changed.

Mom offered me to go back to the farm with the kids. It made sense in a way. I had been a single mother before but Jackson's has always been there for Harriet. Now I had two more kids to worry about. And even thought I was depending on him a lot and not only in regards of Harriet's, it didn't seem fair. She made sure Jackson heard her suggestion, she wasn't over our divorce. Like I would decide something like that without talking to him. His face, though.

Later we talked alone, when the kids where finally sleeping and of course he told me what he thought about my mother's idea.

"Please don't go," he said.

"I wouldn't do something like that without talking it out with you. You know that, don't you?"

"I have to tell you something. I talked with Robert," he told me.

"That's great!" I said.

"I know. I've been thinking with everything that happened with Matthew, with Keith. I want to give him a chance, you know, while we can. I'm going to Montana for the Holidays."

"Awesome. And you want to take Harriet?" I asked.

"Yes, I want her to meet Robert if that's ok with you."

"Of course. It would be great!"

"I don't think Harriet would want to leave you, especially now."

"So you're saying you want us there?"

"I'm saying I want you there," he said.

"Then we're going to be there," I said.

And that's how our Holidays in Montana were settled.


	7. Ch 7 New journey

**Ch. 7 – New journey**

" _The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to."_

― _Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler_

When the kids heard the news, they were thrilling. We had a busy week getting everything ready, and being busy made it easy. I was good at it.

Catherine was mad at Jackson because he wouldn't spent the Holidays with them and also he would miss Maggie's wedding with DeLuca. If you had asked me, I wouldn't know why they wanted him there. They dated. It was odd. Unless they were secretly wishing for him to stand up at his sister's wedding, I just didn't know.

I made a joke and told Jackson that maybe, besides Norbert, Robert could actually be the most normal person out of his family. We laughed all night making fun of us and our family, mentioning how he dated his stepsister; I had sex with his mother's ex, and so on.

We ended blaming GSM, cause now Teddy was with a Philosophy teacher, Miranda was still with Ben, of course, Amelia was with James, Leah was dating a firefighter, Maya, Stephanie was dating a Japanese artist, Jackson was alone, and I was a widow. There were no surgeon-surgeon pairings. GSM must have been cursed, there was no other explanation. We had a fun night.

The week passed really fast and it was time to go to Bozeman. We were staying at Robert's. There wasn't really a lot of space but I knew it would feel cozier. We went there like last time, in Jackson's family plane, only this time there were five of us.

Robert was the warmest host ever.

"Please, come in! It's freezing outside. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. You clearly didn't age. I remember you from last time. When Jackson introduced himself, I was actually pretty glad that he had found someone that loves him that much. I guess I have to thank you for being there for him. I actually thought you were his wife," Robert said.

"You were wrong. I'm his ex-wife, mother of his children and best friend. Nice to meet you too. I guess I can thank you for all his … past issues."

"I know I haven't done anything to deserve your presence here. Really, thank you, you had everything to do with him being here last time and now."

"I'm glad we are all here. Thank you for taking us."

I don't know if he was trying to do it right this time or what, but he was terribly good with the kids. I must say that I wasn't sure if it was a good idea but it ended up being the best for us. I almost felt sorry for Jackson because he could only spend so little time alone with his dad. Between the kids and visiting the Fox Medical Center, I thought he wasn't enjoying it as much as the rest of us. I probably spent more time alone with Robert than he did.

There were times that it felt like I was on vacations and when I would go back home I could tell all about it to Matthew, what we did with the kids, their crazy ideas and all the fun stuff. But as soon as I started thinking like this, I knew the first thing I would tell him was how much I missed him, and then it would hit me, I couldn't go back and find him home.

A week passed like nothing and Christmas was around the corner. It was going to be our first Christmas without Matthew. We had fun decorating Robert's place, we went to church, the six of us. Despite everything, I felt comfortable with Robert. He told me about the time when he met Catherine and everything that happened and how he copped with his decisions, how he buried all his feelings and decided that it was for the best, how he couldn't stop thinking about Jackson since his last visit but he thought it would be selfish for him to try to reach him.

I told him the story about Jackson and me. We talked about Samuel, Harriet, Karin, Ruby, Matthew, Eli. He was really amazed about everything we had been through.

"It's amazing what you had with Matthew, how you forgave each other and gave it a second chance, how you were there for each other in difficult times, how you were close friends and then it started feeling like a family. And after that love. It's a beautiful story. If it wasn't for the last part I would think you were talking about your relationship with Jackson right now. Mm... The coffee is exceptional today, do you want some more?" he asked.

And just like that he took my cup and left me alone with my thoughts.


	8. Ch 8 Free-fall

**Ch. 8 – Free-fall**

" _We're in a free-fall into future. We don't know where we're going. Things are changing so fast, and always when you're going through a long tunnel, anxiety comes along. And all you have to do to transform your hell into a paradise is to turn your fall into a voluntary act. It's a very interesting shift of perspective and that's all it is... joyful participation in the sorrows and everything changes."_

― _Joseph Campbell_

That night I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking in Robert's words about Jackson and me. We were best friends, family and only love was missing. Thinking about love and Jackson made my stomach ache. After rolling in the bed for hours, I went downstairs to the kitchen. Jackson was there checking the content of the fridge. The fridge's light was highlighting everything good about his body. Maybe I lost track of time for a moment or two, staring at his abs. It didn't help the fact that he was shirtless.

"April?"

He said my name and it scared the hell out of me. What was wrong with me? All of this, because of something Robert said?

"I didn't mean to scare you. Why are you up?" he asked.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Yeah, that much I could figure. What is keeping you awake?"

Fuck. He was being nice and I was in trouble. But he wasn't to blame. It was all me. He didn't change, he was just being himself, worried about his friend, the mother of his children. Yet my mind was playing games with me.

"I can't stop thinking in something your father said", I told him.

He was serious all of sudden. I could have lied but he deserved the truth. That was the thing about us, we had gone through everything and we always came out of it together. Our relationship had its ups and downs, it changed over time, but no matter what, we always found our way back to each other. We were each other's home. I was comfortable talking to him without any fears, no matter what he would think of me, I wasn't scare to lose him.

"I'm sorry. My father is a fool. Don't listen to him. He should learn to keep his mouth shout when no one is asking for his opinion. Tomorrow, I mean today, cause it's already after midnight, I will talk to him. I promise."

"It's ok. He didn't do anything bad. You don't have to tell him anything."

"That's easy for you to say, because he isn't talking about you behind your back."

"Maybe it's not what you wanna hear but the truth is he has been amazing."

"We practically had no relationship and he's meddling with my life and messing with you too. Like he has any right to do so. I don't know what he's thinking."

"He probably just wants to be a part of your life," I said.

By that time in the conversation, we were both sitting by the kitchen table sharing a pot of ice cream.

"I know. Everything has been amazing and I'm happy that he cares and he's trying to make amends. But that doesn't change the fact I didn't want to hear it from him," he said.

"What did you not want to hear?"

We looked at each other knowing we had absolutely no idea what each of us was talking about and after a second of silence, we started laughing for no especial reason.

"For a moment, I thought he had told you the same thing that he had told me but that would had been really embarrassing," he said.

"What did you father tell you?"

"He told me that I loved you," he said as blunt as if he was telling me the news.

The ice cream I was eating ending in places it wasn't supposed to and I started coughing.

"It's not funny, you know?" he said.

"Sorry. I just don't know why would you be angry over that. I love you too."

"You know perfectly that that wasn't what he was meaning. That's why you were laughing or coughing or whatever that was."

"I'm sorry. It's just funny. So you thought I wasn't able to sleep thinking that your father had told me that you loved me? You couldn't be more full of yourself," I told him.

The thing was that he was actually the topic that kept me awake even if it wasn't exactly as he thought.

"I'm sorry. I just didn't want it to be awkward between us. That's all," Jackson said.

"How so?"

"You know, it gets messy when we aren't on the same page about our feelings. Let's just change the subject. What did Robert tell you?"

"He just made me realize that, leaving out the reconciliation, what happened between Matthew and me wasn't so different to what happened and is happening between us."

He didn't get it.

"And that's keeping you up?" he asked.

"Yes! I'm overthinking just like you. Who are you to judge?"

"If anything, I believe we had more in common with Arizona and Callie but Robert doesn't know anything about them. We are ourselves. It is us. Nothing compares. Don't let him get to your mind."

"Are you talking to yourself or to me? Because it seemed to me that it was you who was letting him get to your mind." I said.

"I'm tired. There's no more ice cream. Let's just go get some sleep."

"Ok. I agree. Good night."

"Wait, you have some ice cream here," he said and he used his thumb to scrub the right corner of my mouth; he wetted his thumb in my mouth and he continue scrubbing.

"Done," he said and the contact stopped. I swallowed. I had stopped breathing all that time. The hot sensation that climbed through my spine made me fell at hell and heaven at the same time. He was staring at me with those profound blue eyes. I never had a chance. All I could do was surrender.

I hugged his neck and kissed him. And he kissed me back. He picked me up and placed me on the kitchen counter. And that was the beginning of the free-fall.


	9. Ch 9 The love of your fate

**Ch. 9 – The love of your fate**

" _Nietzsche was the one who did the job for me. At a certain moment in his life, the idea came to him of what he called 'the love of your fate.' Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, 'This is what I need.' It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment-not discouragement-you will find the strength is there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow._

 _Then, when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You'll see that this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes."_

― _Joseph Campbell_

Jackson was sleeping and I was looking at him like there was a chance I could forget what he looks like, like I didn't already know every inch of him. I was living the moment at its fullest while carving it in my memory. This was happiness in all its forms. In his sleep, he pulled me closer. I closed my eyes and focused on my other senses, the touch of his skin with mine, the respiratory movement of his chest. I could even hear his heartbeats. And of course, there was his smell. I really wished I could freeze time, because this was what perfect must feel like. I was lost in this feeling when he started caressing me.

I concentrated on the sensation of his hand against my skin. He was contouring my face with his fingers. His touch was the softest. When he reached my lips, I had the same reflex I had last night in the kitchen. My body moved closer to his, I opened my eyes, wrapped him with my arms, and when I was about to kiss him, his glance caught me and I lost myself in his eyes. We were looking into each other eyes and our eyes were talking, saying everything we couldn't put in words. I wouldn't know exactly how to explain it, but we were kind of having a conversation except not words were said. It was something really profound and intimate. That silent five minutes felt more intimate that everything that happened last night. I could have stayed like that all day but Jackson's phone rang and all the magic was gone.

"Shit!" he said as he rushed out of bed.

"What?" I asked.

"Robert said they are waiting for us to have breakfast. He told Harriet we hadn't forget our promise to take them to meet Santa at the mall."

I jumped out of bed.

"What time it is?"

And in less than 20 minutes, the six of us were on the way to the mall.

It's amazing how a moment can change your life forever. So, what are you going to do knowing that? We live our lives as if we had some kind of control over it. But what happens when life once and once again shows you that you don't have any control over what happens in your life? You can make plans but life can change them in a second. You can be relaxing and enjoying how things are going and suddenly everything could change. You can have no expectations and suddenly everything could be fixed. Does that mean that we are simply observers of our lives? No. Does that mean that we shouldn't plan or expect anything in our lives? No. I don't believe that. Is there anything we can control? Maybe we can practice and practice until we master the control over our reactions, our feelings, our thinking. Maybe we just only need to be present and enjoy what we are living wherever we are. Does that mean that this is what I do every moment in my life? No way. I'm learning, and maybe it takes all my life to really learn it. But in the meanwhile I enjoy every time I can actually be present, no matter the situation, those are happy times for me.

I was so glad of all the memories we were making as a family. The six of us took a picture with Santa and maybe I wanted to cry a little. Jackson noticed and asked me if I was ok.

"It's just happy tears. I'm emotional," I said.

"Birds and dogs?"

"Shut up!"

Later that night, I put the kids to sleep and I asked the girls about what they had asked Santa for Christmas. Harriet wouldn't tell me but Ruby did. Both of them asked for the same thing. After kissing them goodbye, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep that night either.

I went down the stairs hoping there would be ice cream left and I found Jackson there again. He looked at me like I was the ice cream he was eating.

"Do you want some?" he said.

And I stole his spoon and started eating as if my life depended on it.

"What's wrong?" Jackson asked.

"Ruby told me what she and Harriet asked Santa for Christmas."

"Should I be afraid? What do they want?"

"They want a baby brother."

He laughed.

"Are you pregnant?"

"No!"

"We can fix that."

"Was that a proposition?"

We kissed and started our track record in Robert's kitchen.


	10. Ch 10 The Christmas Spirit

**Ch. 10 – The Christmas Spirit**

 _Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can._

― _John Wesley_

The next day we went to play with the snow. We made a snowman with the kids, we made angels in the snow and while Jackson was distracted, I started an snowball's fight. With everything that had happened in the past days, I couldn't remember when was the last time I had this much fun. Everyone was laughing; it was one of those perfect moments that you would remember forever.

I made time for my session with my therapist on Skype. I could talk to her about how my life had changed in the last few days. I hadn't told anyone about me and Jackson although Robert must have known it. Putting it in words, made me feel at ease. Especially considering I was talking with someone that wasn't supposed to judge my decisions but make me thing about them.

After lunch, we went ice-skating. Jackson was really good at it. He made sure to brag about it. I must admit that I tried to make him fall more than once.

The days before Christmas Eve, we helped Robert to get ready for Christmas at Jefferson Grill, buying food, supplies and presents.

On Christmas Eve, we decorated cookies and ate them with hot cocoa. Later we made a box shaped ornament for the tree, we decorated it with the kids. We filled the box with letters with our wishes for Christmas. We thought something we would want for ourselves on Christmas, for the people we loved, for the people who we weren't on good terms with, and for those we didn't know. Before writing the wish, we needed to check that we could wish it with our hearts for all these people. Then we put the letters inside the ornament and Jackson helped Eli hung it on the tree. Eli's drawing was also put inside the ornament. Everyone participated. We made it our Christmas Eve tradition.

Later, we went to church together. Robert gave us New Christmas pajamas for everyone to wear that night. He even had one for himself. Of course, we had to take pictures.

We opened the gifts in the morning. Ruby bluntly asked me where her brother was. I pointed to Jackson who was holding Eli.

"Not Eli, mommy," Ruby said.

Harriet approached me and just like she had everything figured out, she started caressing my belly.

"It's here. Just like Eli was. We need to wait to meet him."

Ruby came to hug my belly and I didn't know what to say. This pair never ceased to amaze me.

After unwrapping all the presents, we went to help Robert at Jefferson Grill. He had lent the place for a non-profit and we were volunteering, serving holiday meals for the homeless. The Christmas Spirit was everywhere. And spending our time serving those who needed was the best way to spend the day. Their happiness and gratitude were an example to follow. We met the kindest people there and to share the holidays with them made all of us happy. We made time to hear how else we could be of help, what their needs where. Robert who was short of personnel, offered John, one of the people we met, a job and offered him a room in the dinner until he could rent his own space. Hearing to these people's stories made us feel fortunate in perspective, no matter how sad our stories are supposed to be, there's always a person with a sadder one. I had a lot to thank that day and every day.

I had so many people to call to wish them a blessed holiday with everyone they loved. I especially made time to call those who may feel lonely this Christmas season. Sometimes you make time to help those you don't know, and forget about the people near you.

The hardest call I made was for Matthew's parents. I made a video call so that they could see their grandsons.

When I called Arizona, I decided to tell her about Jackson and me. She always knew what to say to make me feel right.

"Are you happy? That's all that matters," Arizona said.

I was kind of worried of what people would think, considering we were divorced and I had just widowed. But I was happy, and that was everything that mattered.


	11. Ch 11 Joy

**Ch. 11 – Joy**

" _Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."_

― _Joseph Campbell_

Christmas day was almost over. We came back to Robert's home in the afternoon. We were standing in the covered porch; I was holding Eli while Jackson was opening the door. Harriet had no better idea than to say "Look!" while pointing up to the mistletoes that were hung above our heads.

Jackson looked at me like asking if we shall do it. I lifted Eli and got him closer to Jackson's face. Jackson kissed Eli in the cheek, on the forehead, on the other cheek and then he tickled him and made him laugh. I was relieved and smiling. Just when I was thinking that everything that mattered was that I was happy, and that what everyone thought was none of their business, it turned out it wasn't that way. I was worried about what Ruby would thought. The last thing I wanted in the world was to hurt her. If someone was not to be hurt by me, that was Ruby. I couldn't take it. Seeing her heart broken one more time would be the most painful thing in the world.

Harriet wouldn't let it go.

"Kiss mama! She's also under the mistletoes," she insisted.

I was kind of frozen. I couldn't tell her to stop, she wasn't saying anything wrong. We were kissing all the time in the past few days but we just didn't do it in front of the kids.

Ruby must have sensed something was odd and she went to sit on a log that was placed under a pine we had decorated outside. I was about to lose my mind. Jackson finally opened the door.

"Don't worry! I'll talk to Ruby," Jackson said.

I went inside with Eli and Harriet while Jackson was talking outside with Ruby. I left Eli sleeping on his stroller.

"Why didn't you kiss papa?" Harriet asked.

"I don't know… It's complicated. That's not true. I'm sorry. It's not complicated. People, like me in this case, tend to see problems where there are not, and they get worried and angry over things that just exist in their minds."

"What's worrying you?" she asked.

"Mommy is worried that Ruby will think that I'm replacing her father with Jackson and that she won't want that," I said.

"Oh! That's the problem that just exist in your mind," she said.

She hold my head with her little hands and she blew on my forehead as I used to do on the places she got hurt.

"I made the problem leave! You don't have to worry anymore!"

I loved her so much. She made me fell so much better.

"I love you, lady bug," I told her.

And she rubbed her forehead against mine, looking me with those big eyes and with a big smile in her face that obviously made me smile big time too. And we stared into each other's eyes, forehead against forehead, nose against nose. She started laughing and made me laugh.

The door opened and Jackson came in with Ruby in his hands.

"They are leaving us out!" Ruby said.

And Ruby came bringing Jackson by the hand and sat next to us in the floor.

"Let's do it!" she told Jackson.

Ruby rested her forehead against Jackson's, just like we were doing, in silence. And when we were done, we hugged each other. It was a thing the girls always did, between themselves, with Eli, with me, and now with Jackson. It always ended in smiles and laughter. I love it.

We hugged with Harriet.

"Now I want to do it with daddy," Harriet said.

We changed partners. It was my turn with Ruby. After being worried about her, looking into her eyes and into her smiling face was the best medicine ever. Seeing her happy meant everything to me.

"I love you, mommy."

"I love you, my Ruby."

"Ruby and mommy lost," Harriet said.

Everyone hugged each other and everything seemed to be back in place.

"Now I want with Ruby and you can do it with mommy," Harriet said and we did as she said. I put my forehead against Jackson's, nose against nose. My eyes were open looking into his blue eyes that looked bigger than ever. We were smiling. And after a few minutes Jackson said "I love you."

"Shh! We are not supposed to speak," I said.

The girls starting laughing and it was contagious.

"Daddy lost," said Ruby.

So I hugged Jackson and took the chance to tell him "I love you too."

Ruby stood next to us holding above our heads the mistletoes that used to be outside. Harriet started saying 'kiss, kiss, kiss'. And suddenly it didn't feel wrong at all, so I kissed him, with no worries in my mind, in front of my kids. It was the best way to end Christmas with no secrets for my family.

The girls were staring at us like we were Santa.

"We need to start packing up our things, tomorrow we are going back home," Jackson said, changing the subject.

The girls didn't seem happy at all.

"Don't worry. Robert will come to visit anytime and we can come back whenever we want to".

Everyone helped packing up, even Robert when he came back. I made dinner for all of us. It was somehow sad knowing that tomorrow by that time we wouldn't be in Montana.

That night I slept with Jackson without having to hide. I was resting my head on Jackson's arm while he was stroking my hair.

"Montana feels like a safe spot for us. We have found our way back together twice here," I said.

"Are you worried that it will be like last time?" he asked.

"Last time, it hurt me. I know it's not the same. I wouldn't be here if I thought it would be the same. I wouldn't have kissed you in front of the girls if that were the case. I just wanna know what's going to happen when we are back in Seattle."

"What do you want to happen?"

What did I want to happen? After all the pain we had been through, being this happy was wonderful, miraculous and unexpected. How could I ask for more? What could I possibly want?


	12. Ch 12 Fear

**Ch. 12 – Fear**

" _The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."_

― _Joseph Campbell_

The one thing that never changed. One question. What did I want? One answer. The same answer, always.

"It's complicated. I want… I guess I still want the same thing that I've always wanted. I want you. I want this. I want to end where we began, in a bed, in love, like this. And I want to go to Seattle, where my home is, where my friends are, where I have a job, where the five of us have a life. I don't want to run away from any of that. However, knowing that we're going back is making me feel anxious. I would literally do anything that would prevent me from going back. It's like Seattle represents the pain that I have left behind. It's the place where people would look at me knowing I'm in pain, so in their eyes I'd be able to see my pain looking back at me. And it's scary. Because I love these people and the last thing I want is to lose them. So, I want to go back to them, yet I fear I'll push them away. I guess I'm saying I'm going to be a pain in the ass. I know it. This is the moment, the chance, I'm giving you to run away from the mess that is waiting for us right back," I said.

"Funny that you think I'd run away cause I still want the same thing. I want you, April. I want the whole damn thing. I told Ruby I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the four of you," he said.

That made me smile.

"You told her that? With everything that kept us busy, I forgot to about your conversation with her. How did that go?"

"I asked her what she was feeling and she told me she was missing his dad. I told her I missed him too and that he would always be in our hearts. I knew you were worried about what she would think about you and me so I asked her if it would be ok for her if the five of us continue living together when we are back home. And she said you have taught her that home is where your family is and that she was already home. That melt my heart but I want it to be really clear. I asked her if I could marry you. She asked if that meant we will always be together. When I answered yes she said she couldn't wait to tell Harriet and then we came here."

"Oh! I saw the girls holding their hands, jumping happily and saying 'We did it! We did it!' Now I know why," I said.

"Yeah. That's probably why. But you haven't answered me."

"I don't think you have asked me anything."

He kissed me. One soft kiss and I was already lost.

"You know the question," he said.

"If you don't say it how could I possibly know if it is really what you want."

"I want this. We get married. We have a house. We get a big yard."

I kissed him. I couldn't believe we were having this second chance.

"Was that a yes?" he asked.

"Yes!"

Next day we said goodbye to Robert and to Montana. We went back to Seattle. We started working right away. Jackson still had his apartment but he spent most of his time at our home. I really couldn't be happier to be working again, helping saving people's lives gave meaning to my life. Between the kids and our jobs, we didn't get to have time for ourselves. We had been in a happy bubble in Montana while in Seattle I felt like everything and everyone was there to remind me that I was mourning and that I was a widow. It was like the first time I came back from warzone. Montana had been like an escape from reality. It wasn't only the house we had shared with Matthew, it was Keith, my coworkers, his coworkers. It was painful but I couldn't run away, because I wasn't gonna lose all these people I loved.

Time passed and everything was going great. I visited the fire station with the kids, we spent knew year eve at the Hospital's party and we actually had fun, Keith came to visit really often. I was doing a lot better than I expected. Of course, I went to all my appointments with my therapist, which helped me a lot. Jackson was there for us, all the time. And things kept being great between us. He started therapy by his own free will. The communication was as fluently as it could be. The kids were doing great. Finally, it felt like we didn't need to make any effort to live our lives fully. Everything was running smoothly.

And just like any human being, when I relaxed from all the stress I had been through, I couldn't avoid the let-down effect and I started feeling sick.

I took a day away from work and it was Jackson's day off, so he took care of me and did all the chores at home.

"You should have told me you were relaxing, you were never good at it. I could have stressed you to prevent this," he said.

"Very funny. I'm not letting you bother me. I don't need any stress, I can be relaxed and happy."

"That doesn't sound like The Machine. You're lying to yourself. You took a day off to avoid having more sick days given by any other doctor," Jackson said and that actually was so true.

"The fact that you are not replying means it's true. I'll take you to the hospital where we can run some labs," he said.

"Is that your plan to stress me? I don't want to go."

"No, that wasn't my plan to stress you. That's was just me worrying about you. My plan to stress you was more about finding a new home and planning a wedding."

It wasn't that his plan sucked but yet I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. Jackson ran with me and hold my hair. It wasn't nice but I felt better after.

"When was the last time you had your period?" he asked.

I looked into his big blue eyes but I really didn't know what to answer.

"You're taking me to the hospital, aren't you? Let me brush my teeth," I said.


	13. Ch 13 Collision

**Ch. 13 – Collision**

" _Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us. Let's not be afraid to receive each day's surprise, whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy. It will open a new place in our hearts, a place where we can welcome new friends and celebrate more fully our shared humanity."_

– _Henri Nouwen_

"We're going too fast," I said.

And as soon as he heard that, he started slowing down the car.

"I don't mean the car," I said.

"You mean us? I knew exactly what to do when I thought you were talking about the car but you will have to guide me about what to do about us. What do you want me to do?" he asked.

"Just nod. I'm just nervous. There's nothing to do about us. Unless you have another idea?"

"I don't. Well, you know I was thinking about moving and marrying. That's too fast?"

"That's our pace, I guess."

And he laughed.

"Too fast comparing to what? Right?" he asked.

"Exactly. The important thing is to enjoy the ride."

"You're panicking, aren't you?"

"I am. Panicking and all, I love you and I'll marry you anytime you ask."

"That's good to know. I love you too. Shall we get out now?"

I didn't know for how long have we been parked outside the hospital.

"Let's do it."

…

When I saw Arizona, I ran to her and hugged her for a long time. Jackson was walking behind me, so when he reached us, Arizona asked, "What happened? Why did you call me? What did you do to her?"

"He extracted my blood," I answered for him.

"Would you do the ultrasound?" Jackson asked.

I looked up to her and her eyes were moving from my eyes to Jackson's.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! You're pregnant?" she asked smiling. I loved those dimples.

"We don't have the results yet," I said.

She took us by the hand to take the test. She was full of joy, as always. Any day was brighter with her on my side.

I was lying down in bed, with Jackson's hand intertwining mine.

"I love you," I said looking into his eyes.

"I love you too," he said.

"Why don't you two get a room?"

"We love you too, Arizona," we answered at the same time.

"Here!" she said, pointing at the screen. "Congratulations! You're pregnant!"

Jackson's eyes were pure emotion. I was feeling butterflies.

Arizona told us everything was normal according to the ultrasound. I was six weeks pregnant.

…

"We should have danced it out," I said once in the car while fasting my seatbelt.

"I'm happy too," he said.

"I'm not just happy; I don't even know how to put it in words. I could dance all day."

"You could dance all day," he said staring at me.

"I could kiss you all day," I said.

"You could?" he asked while looking at me with those blue eyes that looked darker.

I unfastened my seatbelt and kneeled on his seat, letting his thighs between my legs and then I kissed him.

My body started to react to his hands, as they were all over me.

"Are we doing this in the car?" he asked.

"We've done it before," I answered and continued kissing him.

…

Once he stopped in front of the house, I said "The girls are gonna freak out. Their Christmas wish came true."

"Wait for me to tell them, OK? I've to go back to work."

"I'll start looking for houses," I said and he kissed me goodbye.

The kids were happy to see me when I went in. They were all kisses and hugs. I couldn't believe that in less than a year there will be four of them.

I gave the rest of the day off to Amy, the nanny, as I'd be staying home.

"Who wants to play?" I asked as soon as we said goodbye to Amy.

We played with the Lego blocks.

"What are we making?" Ruby asked.

"Mmm… Our home," answered Harriet.

Harriet was describing how our home should be. Of course, she wanted a big yard, because the apple wouldn't fall too far from the tree. Before she could finish talking, we heard a big noise, something like a collision and not so far away. I got up as fast as I could and left Eli in his seat.

"Stay here," I said and went out to find out what had happened. I was worried something could have happened to Amy. In no case would I have imagined who was outside.

When I was getting near the door, I heard some shouting. I could swear I knew that voice, but it didn't make sense at all.


	14. Ch 14 Surprise

**Ch. 14 – Surprise**

" _If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path."_

― _Joseph Campbell_

I opened the door and saw Keith walking towards me carrying Maggie in his arms. Beyond them, I could see Keith's car against our tree and a bike next to it, on the floor.

"Put me down! Who the fuck do you think you are? I said 'put me down,'" Maggie said while Keith was carrying her.

"She's bleeding," Keith said as soon as he saw me.

Although it wasn't anything serious, I left the door wide opened and went for my medical bag.

When I came back, Maggie was sitting on my table. The girls were kneeling on the chairs for a better view.

"What happened to Aunt Maggie?" Harriet asked Keith. Ruby was being a little shy; Maggie was not a familiar face for her.

"April, I'm sorry. I didn't want to bother but could you please tell this stranger that he should leave your house. He's not listening to me," she told me.

"He's not a stranger silly. He's Uncle Keith," Harriet told her.

Maggie's face was a picture. I assume she was trying to picture where in the family tree was he to be placed.

"Long story," I said.

"Catherine?" she kind of said to herself without understanding a bit of it.

While she was perplexed, Keith took the chance to clean her wound.

"Auch… Why don't you…" and Maggie stopped looking at the girls.

Keith couldn't help smiling and he was hit by Maggie.

"Hey! I'm helping here," Keith said.

"Leave me alone. I didn't ask you to help. I can take care of myself. I'm a freaking surgeon," Maggie said.

Keith rolled his eyes and while he was closing her wound, he said, "I should have known, the worst patients ever. Of course, you're a surgeon," Keith said.

"You're infuriating!" Maggie said.

"You should take care of your wound," he said looking at Maggie's angry face.

"What were you playing?" he asked the girls, completely ignoring Maggie.

Maggie was looking at her wound as if she could not believe Keith's technique.

Ruby opened her arms towards him, asking him to pick her up and he did. He made her fly in his arms, like a plane and then left her near the LEGO's to play.

Now that Keith wasn't stopping her, Maggie got her feet on the floor and Harriet asked her to go play with them. Maggie looked at me, like asking if it was ok.

"Of course, go!" I said.

I fed Eli while they were playing. In no time, Ruby was no longer shy because of Maggie. Maggie and Keith weren't fighting so much around the kids, yet it was like watching a comedy duo.

An hour later, the girls were falling asleep. Keith took them to their bed and said goodbye to Maggie. To be more accurate it sounded more like "I hope I never see you again."

He asked me to accompany him to the door because he was leaving. It was odd that he had asked, so when we were at the door, I said, "So this wasn't just a visit?"

"I know why you came to the hospital but didn't stay to work. I didn't want to say this in front of anyone, just in case. Congratulations!" he said.

"Thank you for not saying it earlier. The kids don't know yet. I can't tell them without Jackson."

"I want to be here for that moment, not only to meet the new member of the family, but to take care of your E.R. while you take the time you need off. And I promise I'll be but, I had wanted to take a second tour for a while now and I thought I had lost my chance and the thing is, I made some calls and I'm doing it, right now, tonight to be exact."

I lost my voice for a while. It took me by surprise. I didn't expect it at all. He was the other half of my trauma team. He was like a brother to me. I was gonna miss him a lot.

"My hormones had control over me, so you need to leave before I start crying," I said with watery eyes.

"The girls already know. I told them before I put them to sleep. It was harsh. I promise I'll be fine, don't cry. I'm gonna miss you all," he said while hugging me.

"Be safe and call us whenever you can, ok?"

"Roger that."

And just like that we said goodbye. He left in a hurry, in his dented car.

I came back, to my other unexpected guest, who was sitting in my couch. Now that I knew the reason Keith came to visit, I was starting to wonder what Maggie was doing here.

"I'm sorry to be bothering. I wanted to talk to Jackson and you when he... Who is he? Why do the girls call him uncle? Actually, don't tell me. I don't care. Just tell me he isn't my step-brother and I'll be fine. Did Catherine hide a son? He's a pain in the ass, by the way," Maggie said when I sat with her on the couch.

I couldn't help but laughing.

"He's not your step-brother. You can date him although I don't think you like him and neither that he likes you," I said.

"Let's please don't talk about dating a step-brother or better yet, forget about my love life. I've already resigned having one. I suppose you already know, as everyone else," Maggie said.

"I know. Why did you leave him?" I asked. Maggie had left DeLuca the day of their wedding. It wasn't that she run away in the middle of the wedding like I did, but more like Amelia in her wedding with Owen, except Maggie never came back.

"I heard from Zola that he and Meredith had kissed. And that's not something you want to hear on your wedding day, and even less from an outsider. Andrew is still at what was supposed to be our honeymoon. I stayed at the house I bought for us and maybe I broke one or two things while I was mad about it. It was a kind of torture to be there. Instead of keeping breaking things, I decided to donate and sell everything I bought, thinking in us. Thus, the house is now empty and it's too big for me. That's why I'm here. I wanted to talk to you and Jackson. I thought that maybe you two could be interested. You don't have to decide right now. You can visit it today. The house it's a lot like the one we made with the LEGO blocks. I'm leaving you the keys with the address. Everything is arranged with my lawyer. In case you're interested, you'd only need to contact her. Here is her contact info," Maggie said while handing me the keys and a personal card.

I heard every word she said, but it didn't make sense.

"I don't get it. Are you moving back with Meredith?" I asked.

Maggie laughed.

"No way. I love her. She's my sister. I don't have a grudge. Their only mistake was not telling me. But just as you and Jackson went for all after you left Matthew at the altar, I need that too. I can't go back to the same path I was taking. I need this to be a turning point in my life. So, going back to your question, I'm not going to need a house for the next six months. I'm doing my first tour. I'm going to serve I in the army, just like Owen, Teddy, Nathan, Meghan and you. I don't know if I have it me, but this feels like the right time to try it. I feel it in my guts. This is what I need to do."

What were the odds? Keith and Maggie leaving Seattle to serve in the army the day they have met.

"Wow! I don't know what to say. We'll definitively visit your house. I wish you the best, in the warzone and in your love life too. Do you believe in coincidences?" I asked.

Maggie didn't understand what the fuck I was talking about.

"It's just that I have confidence that we'll love the place."

"I hope you do. I hope you start a new life there, full of love and happiness. I need to go or I'll be late. My Uber driver it's at the door," she said.

I accompanied her to the door and she told me I could keep the bike. I was watching the car drive away, when I saw Jackson's car arriving. Just by a second, they had missed each other.

I waited for him at the door.

"Welcome sweetheart!" I said and he kissed me. He put his arm on my shoulder and walked with me inside.

"How was your day?" he asked.

"You won't believe it," I said.

"It's that Maggie's bike?"


	15. Ch 15 Clues

**Ch. 15 – Clues**

" _Throughout life, we get clues that remind us of the direction we are supposed to be headed if you stay focused, then you learn your lessons."_

― _Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross_

I told Jackson all about Maggie and Keith's visit. Keith had already told him in the hospital about his plans.

"How did you take the news?" he asked.

"You'd better keep me busy for the next hour, or I may run to airport and beg him to stay. It must be karma, Owen must be laughing somewhere."

"The kids are having a nap, right? I know how to keep you busy," he said and went to look for something in his briefcase.

"I printed these at work," he said while showing me some papers. "Let's make a scavenger hunt for the girls," he said while looking really excited about his idea.

"Are you crying?" he asked.

"It's just that this wasn't what I picture when you said you'll keep me busy," I said while laughing with tears coming down my face. "I feel so ashamed of myself. You're really the best dad ever."

"Your idea does sound fun," he said while giving me the sweetest kisses, "but let's leave it for later."

Luckily, the girls didn't wake up until we had everything ready for them.

The idea of the game made them excited. It was written all over their faces. I had a hard time containing my tears through all of it. It all made me feel sensitive. I blamed the pregnancy.

I made a lot of cute videos of then running all over the house, finding the clues, each one with a small gift for them. The last clue directed them to Eli who was wearing a shirt that said "promoted to big brother." It was the cutest thing ever. Jackson had really thought this well.

"No way!" Harriet said, "Santa did it!"

The smile on their faces were super cute.

Ruby came and hugged my belly.

"I love you," she said. At that point, I couldn't help it and started crying.

"I love you too" I said while sobbing.

Jackson cleaned my tears and took a selfie with the five, soon to be six, of us.

"You are not going to publish it, right? I don't know if that is how I want my family to receive the news. Also, we should wait until my second trimester, don't you think?" I asked. The picture was precious, but Eli's shirt had a big statement on it.

"Of course I won't. Why don't we call your family and set a date to visit them? It's been a while. We can tell them personally."

"I'll call them, but let's make the visit short. I don't want to come back and find the E.R. burning."

"What if they can't keep the secret?" Jackson whispered to my ear.

I didn't regret telling the girls. I didn't like to keep secrets to them.

"Well, then it won't be a secret anymore. It's as simple as that."

The girls showed Jackson the house they had made with the LEGO's and after we had dinner, Jackson called Maggie's lawyer to tell her we were checking her house tomorrow.

Before kissing the kids goodbye, we prayed all together and thanked God for the baby growing inside my belly. Ruby asked Matthew to look after the baby too.

I couldn't be more thankful or blessed. I talked with Jackson about how I was feeling once we were both in bed.

"You're a blessing, you know? I'm so thankful for you," I said while resting my head on his chest.

"I'm the lucky one. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not ruining this again. I promise you."

"I'll take your word. Maybe the next scavenger hunt could involve a ring. What do you think?" I said winking at him, making him laugh.

"Was that supposed to be a clue?" he said while moving over me. My arms went around his neck and I pulled him closer, just in case it wasn't enough of a clue.

We were kissing when he bonded our hands as he pulled my arms above my head.

Before I knew it, he slipped a ring in my finger. I couldn't even look above, when he whispered to my ears "Mine," making me forget even my name. The only thing I knew for sure was that something that felt this good couldn't be bad.


	16. Ch 16 The state of bliss

**Ch. 16 – The state of bliss**

" _What you will see is love coming out of the trees, love coming out of the sky, love coming out of the light. You will perceive love from everything around you. This is the state of bliss."_

― _Don Miguel Ruiz_

I woke up next day in the best mood ever. I felt I was floating in the air. I smiled at the Universe, and the Universe smiled back at me. I was having the kind of day, when everything makes you feel thankful. Everything, every little thing felt extraordinary. Waking up next to Jackson, the way he smelled, his warm skin against mine, watching him breathe, the ring in my finger, the baby in my womb.

"What's wrong?" Jackson said as soon as he woke up.

I was crying again.

"I feel so blessed! That's all. I'm thankful for having you in my life."

He put his arms around me and hugged me in a way that made me feel he would never let go of me.

Washing our teeth side to side, making breakfast together, waking up the kids, watching Jackson holding Eli, Ruby and Harriet hugging each other, every kiss.

"You look happy," Ruby said.

"That's cause I'm!" I said while picking her up and covering her in kisses.

The girls starting laughing. Then I picked up Harriet and did the same. The three were growing so fast. I wanted to seize every moment.

"The ring!" Harriet said.

"It's a gift from Jackson," I said.

"Are you getting married?" Ruby asked.

"How would you feel about it?" Jackson asked.

"I have never been to a wedding. We are going to be there, right?" she asked.

"Of course. It's a family celebration," Jackson said.

"I like that," Ruby said.

"Daddy, how did you propose?" Harriet asked, always so curious.

"Yeah, Jackson tell them how you proposed," I said.

He blushed.

"I'll tell you cause he's embarrassed. He didn't propose. He didn't ask. He didn't have to. He already knew the answer," I said.

"How did he know?" Ruby asked.

I squatted down and looking into her eyes, I told her "Just like you know the sun rises every morning, stars shine at night and we love you to the moon and back."

Ruby smiled and gave me a hug.

"I love you too," she said.

…

We took Eli with us, to the nursery, and Harriet and Ruby stayed with Amy.

I was finally back at my job. Even though I missed Keith, it was so good to be back. The ring didn't go unnoticed. I called Arizona to tell her the news. I wanted her to hear it from me. Everyone was congratulating us. Even Stephanie kinda did it.

"Good job, Jackson. Maybe there is a little hope for you after all. To be honest, I thought you were a lost cause, after I heard you had dated your sister. Don't mess it, this time," she told Jackson.

"You can bet on that," he said.

When she left, I told Jackson "I like Stephanie."

"You like anyone who takes your side," he said.

"We're getting married, my side is your side," I said and he laughed.

…

After our shift was over, we picked up Eli and the girls at home. We took them to see Maggie's house. It was love at first side. The front yard had a porch swing and the most beautiful plants.

"It seems dreamy," I told Jackson.

"Let's go check inside, but I think you're gonna love it," Jackson said.

Before going inside, the girls and I tried the porch swing. It was perfect.

"I think I love Maggie," I said as I enter the house.

"I think you want her hardwood floors," Jackson said.

"What can I say? I want what I want"

We checked every room of the house. Without furniture, the house seemed so spacious. It had a big back yard and a pergola.

"We could have a play area here. Would you like that?" Jackson asked the girls.

"Are we moving here?" Harriet asked.

"Do you like the house?" I asked.

"Yes." Harriet said.

"What about you, Ruby?" I asked, fearing she wouldn't want to leave the house where she grew with Matthew.

"Will I still have my bed and toys?" she asked.

"Yes, we'd bring our things here if we move," I said.

"Can we have a puppy?" she asked.

"Please!" said Harriet looking at us with begging eyes.

Jackson looked at me not knowing how to answer. Once he read in my face that it was okay for me, he said "Yes."

We talked with Maggie's lawyer. We were buying the house.

"Baby, engagement, house, dog… is this what you wanted? The whole damn thing?"

"Yes but we're just starting," Jackson said.

…

We packed our luggage, decided what to keep and what to give away, how we wanted the house painted and we went to visit my family. And once we were back, the house was gonna be ready, painted and furnished with all our stuff. I called it the Avery way of doing things. Not that I was mad about it.

We spent two beautiful days in the farm. My family was glad to have us there and they were over the moon with the pregnancy news. We celebrated my birthday the last day there.

We had a cake after lunch. What could I possibly wish for? Life was a bliss. Jackson and the kids brought me a dog they had adopted, Jesse. We went to a county fair and have so much fun. Jackson couldn't believe how good I was at those games. The kids were freaking out with all the prizes.

"It's my birthday. You could say it," I said.

"I love you."

"I love you too but you know that wasn't what I was saying"

"You kicked my ass."

"I kicked your ass. Best birthday ever!" I said while laughing.

When we were going back to the farm, we passed through the food court. There we spotted a frantic mom helping his son who was choking. He seemed to have Eli's age.

"Stay here," I say to Harriet and Ruby. Jackson was already running to help. He took the boy in his arm and began the Heimlich maneuver.

"Help is on the way," I told Jackson after calling the emergency services.

While holding Eli, I took the mother's hand and told her not to worry.

"He's going to be fine," I said. I checked on the girls that were exactly in the same place, two meters away.

Jackson wasn't having any success and he was looking at me. He wanted to change the strategy, to what we were always more comfortable.

"You can do this. The answer isn't always a scalpel," I told Jackson while I was already looking for something sharp.

The mother was crying in despair. Finally, Jackson was able to dislodge the stuck food and the boy started breathing. The mom was kissing and hugging the boy so much, I thought she wouldn't let him breathe. I checked once again on the girls and just right in front of my eyes, I saw Ruby punching a boy her age in the face.

I rushed to them and kneeled on the floor.

"Ruby, honey, is everything okay?" I asked.

She had teary eyes and I could see in her face all the anger.

"He said we aren't sisters," Harriet said.

I swallowed my saliva and willed myself to be calm. The mom of the boy came to check on him who was crying. Jackson was just behind me and I realized he heard what Harriet said cause he rested his hand on my shoulder. The boy pointed at Ruby and told the mother that she punched him.

Jackson told me in my ear "Just for a moment remember you're better than everyone and forget you're a soldier." I gave him a killer look.

The lady told us that our daughter should apologize for punching his son.

Jackson squeezed my hand and he answered.

"Of course, she shall apologize after your son apologizes for telling my daughters that they aren't sisters."

The woman looked at his son and asked, "Is that what happened?"

He didn't say no and the mother apologized for them. Without having to be told anything, Ruby apologized for punching his son.

Once we were alone I told Ruby "You were great!" and kissed her.

"So you meant she was great for punching him or for apologizing?" Harriet asked.

"You two are smart enough not to ask me that," I said winking at them.

While the girls were walking ahead of us, Jackson told me, "Ruby reminds me a lot of you."

"I'll take that as a compliment, but you're only saying it cause you didn't know Karin. Matthew talked a lot about her and I'm sure she had taken it from her."

"Wow."

"I know. Matthew knew how to pick a wife," I said winking at him.

…

Once we were back in Seattle, we went directly to our new home. When I opened the door, everybody shouted "surprise!" and I was love-bombed by hugs and sweet words and wishes. Everyone was better dressed than we were. It was going to be a long day.

Amelia was there with the new addition to the family. We met baby Sarah. She was the cutest baby. She had the same smile as Amelia. Arizona, Callie, Sofia, Nathan, Teddy, Andy, Ben, Richard, Catherine, Miranda, Izzie… It was the best surprise ever.

"This is the best gift ever!" I said.

"I has just started," he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked with curiosity.

"Oh! That's what you're thinking. It wasn't what I was implying but it's definitely added to the list."

"I don't know what you are talking about," I said, kidding with him.

"Yes, you know exactly what you were thinking."

"Of course I know what I was thinking and I'm glad you're adding it to the list. But I still don't know what you were implying."

And then it happened. He knelt and asked me to marry him, in front of everyone. The kids were thrilled.

"I don't want the girls to think that I didn't propose," Jackson said winking at me, "So, April Kepner will you marry me?"

"Yes!" I said, and everyone celebrated the news.

"Great! Cause the minister is already on her way."

"What would you have done if I had said no?" I asked.

"I'd have eloped with you," he answered.

I laughed.

"That doesn't make sense. Why would WE elope from OUR wedding?"

"Because the last time we eloped, it was fun," he said.

"And fun is enough reason to elope," I said.

"Any reason is enough to elope with you," he said looking at me with those eyes that could make me tremble.

"We should change our clothes," he said and I almost panicked. I wasn't sure where anything was in my house.

Arizona came to my rescue and said, "Follow me." She had Eli in her arms and he was already looking like a little prince. When did she…? I just didn't know when she changed him.

I went upstairs with her and I found on my bed a wedding dress. It was a design in lace edged with guipure. It had a combination of floral motifs, transparences and brocade effects, a V-neckline and keyhole back, with a center bow and an evasé skirt.

"Arizona, this is…"

"I know. I'm the best maid of honor. You're gonna look perfect."

"I love you."

"You're gonna love me more when I finish with your hair and makeup."

…

Harriet came to find me with Ruby.

"You look beautiful, mom!" Harriet said.

I was already with teary eyes. Ruby and Harriet were the most beautiful daughters. They were wearing flower crowns that matched with mine.

The ceremony was taking place on our big yard. Ruby and Harriet were the flower girls. Before we went outside, the music started playing. I couldn't believe it when I realized it was Callie. Callie was singing _The Story_ for our wedding, with Sofia.

The yard was perfectly decorated with string lights, paper lanterns, and flower arrangements. The night sky was beautiful. Callie and Sofia's voice were lovely. Our friends and kids were there. But what made the night perfect was the person that was waiting for me walking down the aisle. My person. The love of my life. The look in his eyes that made me crazy. There were no secrets between our eyes.

"I love you," Jackson said as we interlocked all our fingers while holding hands. And I got lost in his eyes. So lost than the next thing I remember is he saying "April?" and hinting with his eyes and head towards the minister.

"I do," I said with less security than I intended, but it made Jackson smile.

The minister said the happy words and we kissed, sealing our fate.

Later, when we were dancing, he finally asked, "You are shorter than usual, what are you wearing?"

I pulled up my dress up and showed him my glittery sneakers that were tied up with satin lace bows.

"I'm the best husband picking Arizona to be your secret maid of honor"

"What you want to say is Arizona is the best and everyone agrees. Also," I said as I put my arms around his neck and I stood on my toes to tell in his ear, "You're the best husband picking me as your wife."

He picked me up and spun me around. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

"You're the best decision I've ever taken," he said and before he could kiss me, Harriet interrupted us. She didn't have to say anything, she wanted to dance with her dad.

I danced with Ruby while he danced with Harriet and then we changed partners. While I was dancing with Harriet, Ben stole my partner. Harriet was over the moon dancing with her godfather and I stole Eli from Arizona's arms. My baby was the loveliest ring bearer boy with the help of Richard. He was so happy to be in my arms dancing. He had the sweetest smile and he smelled like the sun. Despite everything, for everything, I felt like the luckiest person in the world.

When the time to cut the cake came, everyone sang happy birthday to me and I blew out a candle, for the second time in the day.

We kissed again after eating cake and while I had my hands around his neck, I told him, "You know, when we went to Columbus while someone did the moving for us. I thought we were doing it in the Avery way… But now, you surprised me."

"I know. Housewarming party, birthday and wedding celebration, all in one," he said.

"So Kepner of you," I said while my fingers ran through his hair, caressing his neck and scalp.

"I knew you'd be proud but what do you think if now we do something in the Avery-Kepner way?" he asked.

"What were you thinking?"

"Eloping," he said while smirking.

"You understand that we're already married, right?" I said showing him my ring.

"We could elope from our wedding party," he said.

"What about the kids?" I asked.

"Mom and Richard will stay with them, while we spend our wedding night in a hotel."

"So, when you said the Avery-Kepner way you meant…"

"I meant our track record in hotels. Do you want to do this?" he asked.

"Drive the car," I answered.


	17. Ch 17 Let it come, let it go

**Ch. 17– Let it come, let it go**

" _You are not supposed to be happy all the time. Life hurts and it's hard. Not because you're doing it wrong, but because it hurts for everybody. Don't avoid the pain. You need it. It's meant for you. Be still with it, let it come, let it go, let it leave you wtih the fuel you'll burn to get your work done on this earth."_

― _Glennon Doyle Melton_

Even when Jackson said he wanted to do something in the Avery-Kepner way, the Avery part took the best of him. We spent our wedding night in a suite in the best hotel in the city. It was great getting to spend a night just for the two of us, without any worries. I didn't even know how much I needed it. There was so much going on, that I didn't realize how tired I was until I laid in bed and almost immediately fall asleep.

When I woke up I looked at the ring in my hand and that was when I remembered we were once again married. I noticed I was still wearing my wedding dress and I looked to the other side and saw Jackson sleeping next to me. He was wearing a tuxedo. We should really fix that. After all, we had a track record to live up to. I tried to wake him up in a tender way, but even if he was enjoying himself, he didn't wake up.

I got off the bed, took a pillow and threw it to his head.

"Wake up! We're running late to work," I said. Out

He suddenly sat up in bed, making me laugh. Before he could actually get mad at me, I unbuttoned my dress and let it spill down to the floor.

"I'm taking a shower. Are you joining me?" I asked and I didn't need to hear his answer.

…

When we got back to the house, I had the urge to check every spot of the house to be sure everything was correctly arranged. Of course, Jackson made fun of me.

Before the kids arrived home, I got a video call from Keith. I was over the moon to hear from him. It was a pity the girls weren't there to hear from him. I told him the news about being newly wedded.

"Have you made friends there? Any familiar face?" I asked, obviously wanting to know about Maggie.

"I got to work with Major Hunt and I have heard more than one story about you," he said.

"Only the good things, right?" I asked joking.

"I know how you got your nickname," he said.

"I was gonna said I miss you and come soon, but you can stay all you want," I said.

"Now I'm even more curious, you need to tell me that story," Jackson told him from behind my back.

"It's a good story. I need to go. I miss you too. Send kisses to my nephews. Goodbye".

"See you soon. Take care", I said and the video call was over.

"So, are you telling me the story?" Jackson asked.

"No freaking way", I answered.

He hugged me from behind and started kissing my neck.

"Are you sure I can't convince you?" he asked and then we heard the doorbell.

"Saved by the bell", I said and he kissed me before going to open the door.

It was Catherine, Richard and the kids. They stayed for dinner and after the girls told us all about their day, I asked if they had any news from Maggie.

"I talked with auntie, today", Harriet said.

"Yeah. She's ok. She was telling us about how she got to work with Owen again," Richard said.

"Keith had just told us he met Owen, there," I said.

"You talked with Uncle Keith?" Ruby asked.

"I did. He called us today. He said he missed you and sent you kisses," I said.

"Is he there with Maggie?" Harriet asked.

"Probably," I said.

"I'll ask him next time," Harriet said.

But we didn't got any more calls from him in the next months. I was already entering the seventh month of the pregnancy. We were getting the baby's room ready. The kids were doing great. Jackson was helping me a lot not only in the house but he was starting to check on me a lot in the hospital. At first, I find it cute but it was starting to bother me.

"We need to talk," I told him when I found him the E.R, but we were both busy.

"Later?" he asked.

"At home," I said and kissed him.

Back at home, once the kids were asleep, while I was washing the dishes and he was drying, I started the conversation.

"Are you worried about me? You are checking on me and my work a lot," I said.

"You are saying I'm being a pain in the ass?" he asked.

"I'm saying the E.R. is a madhouse and somehow you seen pretty unoccupied for a Chief. I mean I wouldn't want the other head of departments to feel that you're paying special attention to me," I said.

"To my wife?" he asked.

"The truth is I didn't want to tell you that you're a pain in the ass but you're making it so hard," I said while rolling my eyes.

"I'm just a loving husband, can't you see?"

I was looking hard at him when I said "Sorry, I can't see it", making a funny face.

"How dare you?" he asked leaning towards me, faking an upset face.

"You can try telling me what's worrying you and maybe next time I look, I can see it," I said while hugging him on the side, because my belly was already so big.

"Are you drying your hands on my clothes?" he asked.

"Pretty much. Yeah," I said and laughed.

"I think you want trouble."

"I think you want trouble or you'll be answering what I asked."

"We had never had a normal birth and last time I wasn't even there with you. I'm scared," he finally said.

"Oh," was the only thing that came out of my mouth.

"You didn't expect that?"

"You can be scared but…" I said and stopped. I was gonna said he should at least try to relax while we're both on the hospital, because it should be a safe environment but, of course we both knew better than that.

"But?"

"It shouldn't prevent you from enjoying the moment. Because right row, in this moment, everything is perfect. That's pretty rare. Reality is that's not gonna last forever. Make sure you're not losing a perfect present for a future that doesn't exist. Because life will always hit us, and the only way to avoid regrets when that happens, it's to make every moment count. And right now, we are here and we're not going anywhere," I said interlacing our hands and placing them in my belly.

"I have a smart wife," he said and kissed me.

"Wait!" I said smiling at him, "I can see it. A loving husband."

"That's nothing! I got a surprise for you."

He took me to the baby's room and there it was a wooden rocking chair.

"When did you?" I asked.

"You want to ask how I had the time while I was being such a…." he said and I stopped him placing a finger on his lips and shaking my head.

"Loving husband and busy Chief?" I finished his question.

I tried the chair and it was perfect.

"Have I ever told you how perfect you are?" I asked him.

"Sometimes," he answered.

"Sing something."

"What?"

"You know your voice it's like a magic spell for the baby."

Jackson sang a nana and not only the baby was calm, but somewhere along the way, I fall asleep.

When I woke up, I was in bed hugging my maternity pillow. I can't believe he could move me all the way to the bed. He wasn't next to me. I saw him entering the room with the breakfast.

"You know this wasn't what I had in mind when I said make every moment count," I said looking at my maternity pillow.

"I know."

"I'm sorry I'm so tired lately."

"You can take a day off, you know?"

"Don't do that," I told him placing my hands on his cheeks and kissing him.

"What about breakfast?" Jackson asked.

"Later," I said biting my lip.

That morning, everything seemed perfect. By no chance, I would have imagined the turns our lives were going to have. I would never have imagined that same day I was going to end up in GSM again.


	18. Ch 18 An opportunity to grow

**Ch. 18– An opportunity to grow**

" _You have to temper the iron. Every hardship is an opportunity that you are given, an opportunity to grow. To grow is the sole purpose of existence on this planet Earth. You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden, but you will grow if you are sick, if you are in pain, if you experience losses, and if you do not put your head in the sand, but take the pain as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose."_

― _Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross_

The next day when I woke up, Jackson had already left. He let me sleep a little longer. He should have woken me up. I had a lot of things to do. Most importantly, I had a checkup appointment at the Hospital later.

It was odd how silent the house was. I couldn't believe I wasn't there to goodbye kiss the kids. After going to the bathroom and washing my teeth, without even changing clothes, I went downstairs to make me breakfast. I prepared it while dancing with loud music playing on Spotify.

I was eating when I got a message from Meredith. I wasn't expecting her to reach out, so it took me by surprise. She wanted to see me at the hospital. Of course she said in the message that I didn't need to worry, everything was fine. It was't hard to imagine I would remember the last time I went to GSM when I lost Matthew. I didn't even had the will to change my clothes. But I did it anyways. I sent a message to Jackson letting him know I was going to meet Meredith and then I drove all the way to GSM.

I didn't know if I was doing it out of curiosity or habit, but I entered the hospital through the E.R. Last time I was there, I didn't even notice it. How could that be the place I used to run? It made me wanna cry seeing how it was now. I seriously wanted to scream. For a moment I had to tell myself that I was no one in this hospital. "This is not my mess," I repeated to myself, but the urge to help the patients was stronger than me. I knew I had to keep going.

I started walking towards the exit when it happened. I saw a patient who was in a fire and whose throat wasn't checked by the resident who was treating her. I hadn't made a protocol so that the resident could ignore it.

"Hey, you!" I said as I was walking towards him.

And as I was saying that, I started feeling sick. I knew I was about to faint.

"Sorry" I said while stealing a wheeling chair. It wasn't my best moment.

"Are you feeling well? We'll be right there for you," the incompetent resident told me.

"Check her fucking airways" I said as everything started to feel blurred. And that was it. The last thing I remembered. The next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed, checking my belly with my hands. Everything seemed to be fine. And before I could call a nurse, Meredith entered my room.

"How are you feeling? I wasn't expecting this kind of visit when I called you," she said.

"I just want to know if that resident checked his patient's airways."

"That patient is fine. Don't forget you're the patient here now. You're not here as a doctor. Carina had already checked you and your baby. You're both fine. She's coming to check on you later," she said.

"So, can I leave?"

"I'm sorry. You're not going to be discharged yet. You need to rest and you can do it here. Jackson already knows you're here. He is in a surgery. As soon as it is over, he's coming to see you."

"Why am I here?" I asked.

"I told you. The baby and you need to rest."

"I'm talking about the fact that you wanted me here. Why? How can I help you?" I asked.

"That can wait. At least until you're discharged, ok?"

"I don't believe I have a say in that, do I?"

"No, you don't."

"Where are my clothes?"

"I clearly don't need to tell you this, but as doctors, we know we're the worst kind of patients. But not you. You're better than anyone here. I'm sure you're going to follow the doctor's orders without any complaint."

"You want me to stay still? I'm sure there's something I can do while I'm resting."

"That doesn't sound as resting at all."

"I can't stay here doing nothing. Please! Maybe you can page that resident so that I can teach him a thing or two."

"Jackson told me you were going to be like this but I expected him to be wrong. I don't want to put you in the bubble, but he asked me to do it if you fail to comply this simple request. You and your baby need to rest. You were cut open with a knife on my kitchen's table to save Harriet. This is a lot simpler than that."

"I'm sorry. You're right. I can rest."

"Great. I'm checking on you later," she said before leaving.

Once I was alone, I started counting the ceiling boards until I fall asleep again. When I woke up, Jackson wasn't there and I really wanted to be home with my kids. It was odd that despite loving to work in a hospital, I could actually hate hospitals this much. I was about to cry. My emotions were making a mess out of me. Then the door opened and Maggie came in.

"Hi! I was sent here to check on you. How are you?" she asked me.

And I couldn't answer. I couldn't control my tears. I was happy to see Maggie but how come she was there in front of me when I didn't have any news about Keith. I started feeling like I had a hole in my heart.

"Please don't cry! What did I do wrong? Is it something about the house? Please tell me what to do," she said getting closer and as soon as I had her near me, I hugged her and she hugged me back.


	19. Ch 19 Choices

**Ch. 19– Choices**

 _"When life puts you through a tumbler, it's your choice whether you come out polished or crushed."_

― _Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross_

"Did something happen to Keith?" I asked sobbing.

"No. Why would you think that? He sent me to check on you while he's working at your E.R. Jackson told him about you and he knew you'd want him to take care of your patients", Maggie told me.

"Thank God! I feel really stupid after all this crying. My hormones aren't helping at all. So you two are friends now?"

"Keith and I?" Maggie asked and then she was paged.

"Saved by the bell", I said.

"We'll talk later. I promise," Maggie said and before she could leave, I asked her to get my bag.

"I'm sure you understand you're not supposed to work, while being here as a patient, right?" Maggie asked while giving me what I wanted.

"Of course. I just want to listen to some music, that's all."

"Great!" Maggie said before leaving me alone again.

I took a picture I had in my wallet of Jackson and the kids and put it on the bedside table. I took my phone and without looking at the notifications, I opened Spotify to listen to my playlist. In my bag I found Harriet's teddy bear. Without giving too much thought I left it on the bedside next to the picture. If Jackson came with the kids, I didn't want them to find the place frightening. I felt kind of silly thinking that, considering the kids knew our working place since their birth and it was a normal environment for them. I took my perfume and spayed it into the air. I know. The way the hospital smelled like was something I was more than comfortable with, but I thought it was a nice touch to feel more relaxed. Soon I was sleeping again.

I woke up with the sweetest kiss on my front. I took a deep breath. His perfume was in the air. For a moment, I forgot where I was.

"Hi honey!" I said.

When I opened my eyes, the reality of my situation hit me hard.

"I hope you came to take me home," I said looking at Jackson and Carina.

"Did we mistreat you here? It sounds like you had a terrible time and it was only five hours," Carina said.

"Five hours? I felt like home, I just miss my kids. Where are they?" I asked Jackson.

"They are with Richard and mom."

"That's so nice of them. Now that he's finally here to get me home, am I discharged?" I asked Carina.

"Don't be mad. He arrived like an hour ago, while you were sleeping, you know?" Carina said.

"You should have waken me up. We could be home by now, right? I mean you haven't said I'm discharged yet, am I?" I asked, as I was getting anxious.

"I had to wait outside. The hospital was on lockdown", Jackson said.

"Really? What did I miss?" I asked.

"The important thing is you're discharged," Carina said and it felt like she was changing the subject on purpose, "you need to continue resting on your home, until your next checkup, capice? Your baby is a little underweight. We need you to rest so that the baby gains some weight, that's all."

"I can do that", I said.

"Great! I wouldn't expect less from you. Now, I'm leaving you two alone" Carina said before leaving the room.

"I'll take care of you both. Cleo can take care of my patients," Jackson said.

"Let's go home", I said.

As I was getting ready to leave, I noticed Harriet's teddy bear wasn't where I left it. I checked under the bed but I couldn't find it.

"What happened?" Jackson asked.

"I thought I left Lu, Harriet's teddy bear, here."

"Are you sure?"

"I don't know. Maybe I was dreaming. I do remember dreaming about a girl playing in my room with it."

"Maybe it's on Harriet's room" he said while I placed my arm around him.

On our wait to the exit, I saw Meredith and I couldn't help but telling Jackson to wait for me while I went to talk to her.

"I am discharged", I told Meredith.

"I see. Congratulations We can talk later. It wasn't that urgent."

"You called me. Just tell me why or I won't get any sleep."

We sat on a bench and Meredith told me the reason.

"I'm considering quitting my job as Chief of Surgery. It's not like I want to quit. I just want to focus on actually doing surgeries and research. I can't leave the place to just anyone, I want it to be you. Just think about it, ok? It doesn't have to be right now. I'm in no rush. You can rest, give birth and spend all the time you want before coming back to work."

I could hear she was speaking and I understood everything she was saying but the thing was that I was focusing on a girl that caught my attention. She was the girl from my dream. When Meredith understood where my sight was focusing, she said, "I heard they found her in your room".

"What are talking about?" I asked.

"Annie, the girl that caused the lockdown, the girl you're looking at."

"Is that Dr. Stark?"

"Yeah. He's working here as Head of Pediatric Surgery."

"I miss Alex", I said.

"I miss him too."

"Why is Annie here?"

"She has cancer."

When Dr. Stark moved, I got a clear view of Annie, she was tense and holding the teddy bear against her belly. My eyes became watery.

"What the fuck?" I asked to no one.

"I know. 14 years old. 14 weeks pregnancy", Meredith said.

When I heard her, I felt time stopped.

"Dr. Stark!" I said without knowing where my voice was coming from, when Dr. Stark passed by our side.

"Oh! It's been a long time, Dr. …" Stark said.

"Dr. Kepner, Chief of Surgery," I said without knowing where that came from.


	20. Ch 20 Coming and returning

**Ch. 20 –Coming and returning**

" _Your sacred space is where you can find yourself over and over again."_

― _Joseph Campbell_

"I didn't know we had a new Chief", Stark said staring at Meredith.

I shouldn't have said it. It was rude. Meredith was still holding that title and I was supposed to be resting. It was just that I couldn't let it go.

"You don't have one. I was kidding, of course. I'm here as a patient. Your patient Annie was in my room and whatever I can do to help her, I'm here for it", I said.

"Maybe before wanting to help others, you should take care of yourself. We are doing everything we can, but she doesn't care about her life. She thinks her baby has a chance," Stark said before getting back to work.

"For a moment I thought, you were getting the job," Meredith said.

"I want it. I'm sending you a psychologist for Annie's case if you don't mind. You'll like him… or hate him. I don't know. He's that kind of person that you either love or hate, nothing in between, you know? Something like me."

"I know. It sounds exactly like me. Not like Derek who was loved no matter what he did. Or Alex, who almost killed DeLuca and then they were best friends. How does that even happen?"

"I know. I promise that's the last thing I do until I take the job. Well, maybe I'll talk to Alex. I want him back despite everything you have just said."

"I know. I want him back so bad!" Meredith said and then we were both laughing.

"What are you two laughing about? Can I have my wife back?" Jackson said getting closer.

"Some things never change," Meredith said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jackson asked.

"You'll never get tired of calling her _my wife._ "

"You're totally right. I can't get tired of _my wife_ ," he said putting his arms around me, "she's mine."

"Well, maybe she's here with me cause she's tired of you. Think about that", Meredith said before leaving them alone.

"Should I be scared? What did she mean?" Jackson asked me.

"I have found my way back to you so many times, I don't think I can get tired of you by now," I said while holding Jackson's arm.

"So there's nothing to worry about?"

"No. She just offered me a job," I said smiling.

"What job?" Jackson asked.

"Her job", I answered smiling and Jackson smiled back at her.

" _My wife_ , the Chief of Surgery. I'm proud of you. Always."

"I have a few months before you can call me that way. But I can say I'm proud of _my husband,_ my Chief of Surgery. I've learned a lot from him," I said before kissing him.

"I love you," Jackson said.

"Always."

We returned home and I did as I was told. I was in my maternity leave, resting. I was on my 37 week. That's all that happened since I left GSM. That was how I was returning to GSM.

…

I woke up thinking it was Sunday, I put my dressing gown, and after going to the bathroom, I went down the stairs. When I entered the kitchen, Jackson was there making breakfast. I hugged him from behind and stole one of the avocado toast.

"Yummy!" I said. He kissed me. "Yummy, indeed. I was going to bring you breakfast to bed," he answered me.

"You're perfect, you know?" I said

"Of course."

"Are we the only ones up?" I asked. He didn't get to answer. We heard steps going down the stairs. It was Ruby. She gave us the sweetest good morning kisses.

"Can we go visit daddy today?" Ruby asked. "Of course, I'll take you after work." Jackson answered.

Harriet walked with Eli down the stairs and the five of us had breakfast while we discussed what had we dreamed last night.

I stood up and told everyone to come. "The baby is kicking. Touch!" I said. And everyone touched my belly. It was Saturday after all. Jackson had a surgery scheduled, so he left after breakfast.

Finally, I got to see Keith, he came to visit me right after Jackson left. We talked a lot about his time overseas. It made me feel nostalgic.

"Now, why don't you tell me about Maggie?" I asked.

"What about Maggie?" he asked.

"That's exactly what I want to know. You know you can either tell me, or I'll hear it from Harriet. She won't be as patient as I'm. She's her aunt, you know?"

"I know. She's very protective of her family. It must be a family trait", he said.

"I know. That's my family. And that includes you too. Now be good and tell everything", I said smiling.

"Maggie… She's…" Keith said and didn't finish the sentence.

"She's what?" I asked, but he didn't answer. "Do you think you're going to answer before the baby's born?" I asked.

His face turned pale.

"Oh my God! She's pregnant?" I asked. That wasn't what I was expecting at all.

"How did you?" he asked.

"Pregnant woman have super powers. Don't worry. You're gonna learn everything about them" I said before laughing.

"It's not funny."

"I have some news to share too. Jackson let me be the one to tell you. I'm not coming back to Seattle Hope. So, starting now, you're not the interim Head of Trauma Surgery. Congrats! You are the Head of Trauma Surgery. Take care of your E.R.", I said smiling, but Keith didn't seem happy.

"What's wrong? Are you sick?"

"What?" I asked.

"You'll never leave your job unless…" he said and as I was hearing him, questions kept coming to my mind, but I didn't dare to ask. It wasn't him the one that should answer me anyways.

"I'm taking a job at Grey Sloan Memorial," I said and looking at him, I knew he knew what job it was. I wanted to be wrong.

"So you're fine."

"I'm fine. We're both having some changes in our lives. That's all."

"Big changes", Keith said.


	21. Ch 21 Farewell

**Ch. 21 – Farewell**

 _"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment."_

― _Eckhart Tolle_

When Jackson came back home, he took Ruby with him to visit her dad. When Matthew was alive, Ruby asked me to take her to the Fire Station in that way. And that didn't change. I knew she was going to be a terrific firefighter in the future. Her eyes shined every time she entered the Fire Station. Everyone there loved her and she knew it. They made her feel at home, just like when Matthew was alive.

"I can't wait to meet you," I was saying to my belly when Jackson entered the room that night.

"We know you just want to stop resting. But we love her the same, right?" Jackson said caressing my belly.

I made him a face.

"How was your day?" I asked him.

"Now that I'm here it's perfect," Jackson said.

"Everyone at the Fire Station send you love and best wishes," Jackson said.

"I know. Andy have sent me a lot of cute pictures of Ruby with the uniform," April said.

"She will be breaking hearts sooner than we think," Jackson said, getting inside our bed.

"Talking about breaking hearts, Chris asked Harriet to be her girlfriend," I said while turning to the other side cause there was no way I would lose the chance to see his face. Jackson was mute.

"How hard are you trying not to laugh?" he asked later and I started laughing.

"I'm sorry. Our nugget is growing fast," I said.

"Maybe I can offer to go to their class and talk with the kids about being a surgeon. Maybe this Chris will think it twice if he knew Harriet's family cut people open for a living," Jackson said while looking serious.

"That's not gonna happen," I said.

"You have a better idea, right?"

"Yeah. We'll let the kids be kids, ok?"

"Ok. Maybe we can invite this Chris kid over so we get a chance to know him better," he said.

"It's not like they are going to marry, you know?"

"You're saying that this Chris may be the first of many boyfriends?" Jackson asked. I could hear panic in his voice.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight," he said.

"I see lots of sleepless night in our future. You'd better try to sleep tonight," I said as I placed a kiss on his arm.

…

When I went to my next checkup, Arizona told us the baby's weight was perfect.

"Fat baby," Jackson said giving Arizona a high five.

"You know what that means? Time to celebrate!" I said.

"Oh! I didn't know you were celebrating! Great! Where are you taking her, Jackson?" Arizona asked.

"She chose. Can you guess?" Jackson asked her.

"Let me think. She has been in the house for over a week now. She wouldn't be missing you or the kids. She has been eating well, so she wouldn't want you to take her to lunch. Was this a trap question? I guess she chose you take her to Seattle Hope. Not because she's leaving the place but because she's going to observe a surgery, am I right?" Arizona said.

"Am I that simple?" I asked.

"I wouldn't describe any of us with that word," Arizona said.

"I love you. See you soon," I said while hugging Arizona. I didn't want to be late.

"See ya," Arizona said and we left.

"Are you smiling for our fat baby or for visiting Seattle Hope?" Jackson asked in the car.

"I'm smiling for both, but mostly because I can't wait to eat once again with you in the cafeteria. So are you telling me what surgery I'm about to see?" I asked.

"It's a surprise," he said with a smile in his face. He was intriguing me.

I didn't know how much I was missing all my friends from work, until I got to see them.

While Jackson was doing his job, I waited at the cafeteria were everyone came to visit me when they were free. I talked to Izzie, Teddy and Keith.

"You couldn't wait to get back here. How are you gonna do once you start working at GSM?" Keith said.

"Maybe I'll kidnap you all," I said.

"I'm serious," Keith said, "I'm gonna miss you."

"First of all, you should remember my hormones before you speak. Secondly, you're family, you can't run away from me, especially now that you're having a baby with my sister in law. And lastly, but most importantly, in all the free time I'll have while looking after the baby, I'll most likely plan how to convince my husband and Bailey of a merger," I said.

"You're scary," Keith said.

"I'll take that as a compliment. It's time we have a family dinner with you and Maggie. I'm not sure if our house is the right place. Maybe I'll talk to Meredith to arrange something in her house. I'm not so sure I want to eat in the table Harriet was born. I don't know how Jackson did that," I said while I was reading a message from Jackson. "It seems everything is ready for the surgery. We can continue later," I told him and I left.

When I reached the gallery, there was plenty of people there, including Bailey.

"What surgery are we gonna witness?" I asked Bailey.

"He didn't tell you? Constructed organic larynx. Just like your patient in Montana," Bailey said all proud of her hospital.

"I can't believe he hid this from me! On a second thought, if I were to be resting, I'd have prefer to hear everything about it after it was done," I said.

"The plan was to have you here all along," Bailey said.

"Who else is doing the surgery?" I asked but Bailey didn't need to answer cause I saw them as they were entering the O.R. So Keith knew about this and he hid it too. Keith working with Jackson, doing the job that used to be mine, felt like the best closure for my time in Seattle Hope. They knew what they were doing. So this was my Farewell party. Bailey wasn't the only one proud in the room.

The fact that this time everyone was there to see it made me feel so excited for him. The surgery was a complete success. He looked at the gallery once the surgery was over and I recognized that face, it made me travel back to Montana. There was a time that remembering our time in Montana hurt me, now it made me happy.

When I was going to Jackson's office, I ran into Sam, one of the psychologists that worked for our palliative care department. He was the one I recommended for Annie's case to Meredith and I knew she called him.

"Sam! It's great to see you," I said.

"Wow, April! What are you doing here? Are you having a C-section?" he asked looking at my belly.

"No, I'd prefer a natural birth. I'm entering the 39 week. I came for my farewell celebration."

"I didn't know there was a party," he said.

"It wasn't exactly a party, I just watched Jackson and Keith doing a surgery," I said.

"That can only be fun for surgeons, I guess," he said making a funny face, "You want to know about Annie, don't you?"

"Yeah, I'd like that," I said.

"I'm going to GSM now. Today they are interrupting her pregnancy so she can start with her treatment for cancer," he said.

"Thank you for being there for her".

"She is a kid. She shouldn't be going through this. You knew I wouldn't leave her alone".

"I knew you'd do the impossible to save her," I said.

"You're one of the few that see me that way," he said.

"What did Meredith tell you?"

"She told me that I better had nothing to do with how things got resolved, because it would mean I have put my ass on the line. I don't think she likes my methods," he said.

"I think that means she respects you," I said.

"I don't know about that. Stark definitely hates me. Not that I care, of course. I'm running late. I'd better go to my car. See you soon, Dr. Kepner".

"See you soon," I said checking my phone, Jackson was calling me.

"Hello handsome! Thank you for my farewell party. It was perfect," I said.

"Where are you? I'm finishing some things and then we can have lunch."

"I was going to your office to wait for you, but I can't find the keys," I said while checking my pockets, "I'm gonna check the car, in case I left them there. See you in five," I said.

When I was in the parking lot, I was almost run over by a car leaving the place in a rush. For a moment I thought I had peed myself in fear. Then I realized my waters have broken. When I looked at the floor, I knew something wasn't right. Where was all that blood coming from?


	22. Ch 22 The beginning in the end

**Ch. 22 – The beginning in the end**

" _We think our job as humans is to avoid pain, our job as parents is to protect our children from pain, and our job as friends is to fix each other's pain. Maybe that's why we all feel like failures so often - because we all have the wrong job description for love."_

― _Glennon Doyle Melton_

As soon as I walked three steps, I found the source of the blood.

"Sam!" I shouted but he didn't respond.

"April?" I heard Meredith shouted. While I was already on the floor trying to stop his bleeding, I found the source of the voice. It was his phone. The speaker was on so I could talk to her while checking his wound.

"Sam was shot. I saw a car leaving fast. The driver, I think I've seen the man before. When I was with you, he was near Annie. A thin man with curly hair and a beard. If he's Annie's relative, I'm afraid he might be going to you. Are you in the hospital?" I asked while sending with my phone a message to Keith with one hand and pressing his wound with the other.

"Oh God! It sounds like Annie's father. I'm here. I'm calling the police and don't worry, this place is on lockdown. There won't be a shooting here," Meredith said trying to calm me and reassuring herself.

"I know. Take care," I said and I gave her the plate number of the runaway car so she could give it to the police.

"You, too. And April…"

"Yes?"

"Don't let him die," she said.

"Don't worry, I won't," I said and Meredith hung the phone.

Luckily, I could hear the help coming.

"Here!" I shouted. Keith came with a gurney and equipment bag. He relieved me of my task. While he was moving Sam to the gurney, I gave him a report on his status. After I finished talking, I started breathing heavily.

"Are you having contractions?" he asked and I nodded.

"When did the contractions start?" he asked.

"Don't look me that way! I told you pregnant woman had superpowers. Jackson is coming. Sam's your patient. Go!" I said and he rushed to the E.R. taking Sam with him.

"That way!" I heard Keith shouted and soon after Jackson was there with me. He kneeled on the floor and looked at me with panic in his eyes.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"It's not my blood," I said while putting my arms around his neck. He hugged me back.

"I can't believe you were going for the keys ten minutes ago and now you are covered in blood," he said.

"I was lucky. It was the perfect timing. A little sooner and I might have been run over by Annie's father. A little bit later and Sam could be dead and who knows what else that man could have done. I hope they catch him. Meredith was calling the police and locking down the hospital. I need to know what's going on there. Talking about timing, this baby is coming today," I said and I could see panic in his eyes.

"Sam was definitely lucky you were close. Let's not stay here. Here, let me help you," Jackson said helping me up. "Do you want to go to the Robbins Herman Center? Or do you want to stay? We can call Arizona," Jackson said.

"We could go to Grey Sloan Memorial," I said.

"Nice try. Don't push your luck. There is a man aiming at Annie's doctors, we're not going there," Jackson explained.

"Let's go inside so we can have an update on Sam and then call Meredith to tell her the news. Meanwhile you could call Ryan to see if the man has been caught, don't you think?" I asked.

"Of course. We can do all that, step by step, ok?" he said.

"Yes, of course. We shouldn't forget to call Arizona, but that can wait. It's not like I'm having contractions too often." And as soon as I said it, I had another one. Talking about timing, right? When the contraction passed, I remembered I didn't get to go to the car.

"I should go for your office's key and the maternity bag," I said.

"I'll go. Wait me here," Jackson said as he started running to the car. It wasn't as I was gonna go anywhere. In less than two minutes, he was back with the bag. When he reached me, I was on the phone.

"Who are you calling now?" he asked.

"Maggie. She's not answering," I said.

"Don't worry. We are calling the hospital, she must be on the O.R.," Jackson said.

"It's not like the shooter is here anymore. We should call now," I said.

"Let's go inside," he insisted.

"After everything we went through, you should now being inside a hospital doesn't mean safety," I said.

"After Harriet's birth, I can't believe you don't want to be in the place where you can get an epidural and scalpel," he said.

"Good point. Let's go inside."

While Jackson was finding out how Sam's surgery was going, I went to his office and I called Ryan to see if he had some information, but he didn't answer the phone.

"They are still on surgery. Keith could stop the bleeding. He has it under control," Jackson said as soon as he opened the door.

"Great! I'm calling Meredith then. Are you sure we can't go to Grey Sloan?"

As soon as I said it, I had another contraction.

"How soon was that?" Jackson asked while reaching to comfort me.

"I'm calling Meredith," I said. When I was to press her contact, I got a call from Ryan.

"Hi, April?" Ryan said.

"Hi Ryan!" I said.

"I know why you call me. Don't worry, your friends are safe. We caught Annie's dad, thanks to your information. He was two blocks away from Grey Sloan. We have his gun. He won't hurt anyone else," Ryan said.

"That's great news! Thanks Ryan!"

"Wait, April. The man crushed his car. He didn't hurt anyone else," he said. Of course, it reminded me of Matthew's accident. Ryan must have thought the same.

"You were there? Are you ok?" I asked.

"I'm ok. He's not. Dr. Grey is operating on him," he said and it gave me the chills. I was speechless. I didn't know why. Sam was alive, he had every chance to survive this and he wasn't Meredith's husband. When I saved Matthew's killer, I didn't know what he was responsible of. Meredith knew what this man did and she could imagine what he could have done if he had reached the hospital in his car instead of in an ambulance. I couldn't help but remember the shooting and my dead friends.

"April are you ok?" Jackson asked and all I could do was nod.

"April? Are you there?" Ryan asked.

"Are you at Grey Sloan?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm here."

"Not that she needs to know, but could you let Meredith know Sam is gonna make it," I said.

"Of course," he said and that was all.

"Everyone is fine, Jackson. I think we are having a baby now. Did you call, Arizona?"

"You said we could wait," he said.

"That was before," I said before having another contraction.

Jackson helped me get to the couch and I lay down on it.

"The baby is crowning", Jackson said, placing his hands on his head.

"Where are you going?" I asked when I saw him going to the door.

"I'm getting the attending OB/GYN", he said.

"You're kidding, right? You won't leave me. You're a freaking surgeon and this won't be your first delivery. You were scared that this wouldn't be a normal birth and that you wouldn't be here. This is a normal birth and you're right here. You don't get to be scared!" I said and as soon as he heard me, his attitude changed. He was the confident surgeon, husband and dad that I loved.

Everything happened so fast. In less than ten minutes our baby was born.

"It's a boy", Jackson said as he placed the baby on my chest.

"We did it", I said looking into his loving eyes. The happiness was overwhelming. I couldn't stop looking at our son. When Glenn, the attending OB/GYN, came to help me deliver the placenta, Jackson left to with our son to take him to Neonatology.

"Wait! He doesn't have a name!" he said as he reached the door. It wasn't like we hadn't been thinking in names. But we had decided to pick it up when the baby was born.

"Jordan Kepner-Avery. What do you think?" Jackson asked.

"Yes!" I said. I loved it.

An hour later, we were again together. Catherine came to visit and she brought Harriet, Ruby and Eli. Later, Keith came and he told us the news about Sam's surgery. It was a success and he was recovering well. He had also talked with Maggie and she told him Meredith saved Annie's father and Annie's pregnancy was interrupted. She was soon to start her cancer treatment.

"Take Jordan. You need to start practicing", I said while giving him the baby.

"Isn't it funny though? Jordan was one of the reason you two divorced, wasn't it?" Keith asked.

"I wouldn't say it's funny. It wasn't Jordan or Samuel the reason we divorced. Jackson and I were the reason we divorced. We needed to learn some things before getting back together. Things change. It's a sign of life. The last time I was in front of a shooter, I felt so useless and little. Today, I was almost run over by a shooter and I got to help his victim and help the police catch him. Today Jordan was born while Annie lost her baby. Meredith saved Sam's aggressor and you saved Sam. I saved Matthew's killer but Matthew had to die. Things change. Things happen. As long as we're alive. You found it odd when I told you I was changing jobs. Before change happens, I choose change myself. I guess I'm pretending I can get ahead of life", I said.

"I don't know if that's supposed to give me comfort or scare the hell out of me," Keith said.

"You're going to be a dad, probably you've never been as scared as you're right now."

"Does it get better?" Keith asked.

"No, it doesn't. But it's certainly worthy," I said.

"It is", Keith said looking at Jordan sleeping in his arms.

…

Two months later, I woke up knowing I had a big day ahead of me.

"Good morning, Chief!" Jackson said bringing me coffee to bed.

"You're awesome!" I said.

"So, you will hire me?" he asked.

"No way. I can't afford you," I said before kissing him.

"So you will fire Stark, Roy and Koracick?" he asked.

"Keep dreaming. That's not happening either. You should have asked Meredith to do that," I said.

"I asked but she rolled her eyes on me," he said.

"Jackson! How dare you? Also don't talk to me about firing people knowing that I'm having a rough day, ok?" I asked.

"I trust you," he said and I knew he meant it but I still took the chance to make a joke out of it.

"I know. That's why you asked Meredith to fire those surgeons, right?"

"You should change or you're going to be late," he said while unbuttoning my pajamas.

"You look like someone who wants me to be late right now," I said hitting him with a pillow.

…

An hour and a half later I was at Grey Sloan with Jordan on my arms. Jackson took Harriet to her school and Ruby and Eli to kindergarten. I left Jordan at the nursery. Time passed so fast. I couldn't believe I have to leave him there already.

My first meeting of the day was with Mer. She updated me on everything that was going on. After telling me all the news, she asked me "You want to know about Annie, don't you?"

"Yes. How is her treatment going?" I asked.

"It's going well. Her tumor is reducing. Soon, we'll be ready to do the surgery."

"She's a strong girl."

"Yes. After everything she went through, she's starting to seem happy again. Sam's doing a great job with her and I suppose that being away from that monster, is helping too," she said.

"Her father?" I asked not knowing what she meant.

"Yes. It turned out he wasn't only the grandfather of Annie's baby. He was also the father. Sam doesn't understand how we picked a job that involved cutting into someone's body. If you ask me, it's his job that sucks. You find worst things cutting into someone's mind," Meredith said and it made me feel sick.

"Did you…?" I said without ending my question.

"No, luckily I didn't hear about it until after his surgery was over."

"Sam's job sucks," I agreed. But my job right now, also sucked. I had to do something I didn't want to do.

"Meredith, now that I'm Chief of Surgery, you won't be Head of General Surgery," I said.

"How dare you? I offered you my job," Meredith said as soon as I told her.

"Let's not pretend that wasn't the reason you want me to be Chief. I know what people value about me when they assign me a job and what they value is also why people tend to hate me after. I can be impartial. My emotions won't cloud my judgment. That's why Amelia chose me as her proxy, why Miranda chose me as Head of General Surgery when you were suspended and that's why you chose me to replace you as Chief. And I'm not letting you down. I'm doing what you hire me to do, whether you hate me or not for doing it," I said.

"So, you know?" Meredith said.

"I know. Why would you leave your job, right?" I said remembering Keith's questions

"I was leaving my Chief Resident's position. You're leaving me jobless!" Meredith said.

"I've a job proposal for you. You're extremely valuable person. I don't want this hospital to lose you. I want you to be Director of the Residency Program. There are some conditions though," I said.

"What conditions?" she asked.

"I've a group of investors financing an Alzheimer's Trial. I've the best neurosurgeons alive working on it. It's a joint project with Seattle Hope. Tom Koracick, Izzie Stevens, Stephanie Edwards and Amelia Shepherd who is moving back to Seattle are working on it," I said.

"Amelia is moving back?"

"She is moving back with James and baby Sarah. There are things in life that require a village. So the village is reuniting now."

"Who is taking my place as Head of General Surgery?" she asked. She was starting to understand what the village reuniting meant.

"Jo Karev. Alex is our new Head of Pediatric Surgery," I said.

"Does Stark know?"

"He resigned as soon as I told him I was going to be his boss," I said.

"Jackson must be happy," she said.

"He doesn't know," I said and Meredith laughed.

"Oh, April. I'm liking you more and more."

"Let's discuss the conditions. Condition number one. When the time comes, you're gonna be part of the trial."

"I agree. What else?"

"Promise me you'll rely on us. We're here for you. All of us."

"I promise."

"It's a deal, then."

"That's all?" she asked.

"You can start right now. Your salary will be same, if that's ok with you. This isn't a condition but as your friend, I'd like you to give a chance to Sam. He loves you and I think you love him, too."

"I'm sorry. I won't. I love him, but he deserves better."

"I think he knows exactly what is best for him. He wants you."

"I'll most likely forget about him before anything else. I don't want to hurt him that way. Can you imagine forgetting about Jackson? Telling him you don't love him and asking him where the hell is Matthew, your husband, the one you love. If you could prevent that from happening, wouldn't you spare him the pain?"

"That's bullshit. You don't know the future. Anything can happen. There are no happily ever after. You know that better than anyone. No one can guarantee Sam a happy future because no one could even guarantee there will be a future. But you can both have a happy present. When you married Derek, there was nothing written on your post-it about pain, because pain has nothing to do with love. Remember your vows. There it was your perfect description of love. You can have that with Sam."

"I had my love story. I won't be greedy and hurt him," she said.

"You're hurting him right now, but the true is you shouldn't be discussing this with me," I said while going to the door. I opened it and Sam was on the other side. "I'm leaving you two alone", I said before leaving my office.

…

After going to pick Jordan at the nursery, we went home. Jackson had arrived earlier.

"Hope you're okay with spaghetti. I had to ditch that leftover chicken. How was your day?" he asked while taking Jordan in his hands. Dinner was ready. My family was sitting at the table.

"It was busy and moving. We're having a wedding at the City Hall tomorrow", I said.

"What happened?"

"I'll tell you about it after dinner," I said and kissed him.

I had been thinking a lot about the shooter that killed Reed and Charles, and about my words to him. How much had things change since then. I could no longer say I've barely lived or no one's loved me yet. That day I felt like I was born again. I could have died but that man spared my life. And I was thankful I had lived it fully. Somehow I was working at Grey Sloan again, in the place where everything started and I was starting a new chapter in my life.

When Jackson led our family in prayer, I thanked God I for my life. I thanked him for all the sorrow that led me here, to this moment I've never expected. I thanked him for all the sorrow that will come, for all the light and all the joy, because I was lucky enough to experience life.

The end


End file.
